The Devil Queen

Aftermath

2010-04-16T08:04:00.001-07:00

I just paid the final bill for the repairs to the flooded rent house. I haven't totaled up all the receipts yet, but I'm guessing that final figure is well north of $5,000.00 for the project. For this nominal sum, I was able to replace about 500 square feet of sub-floors, carpet, and vinyl. It also covered a new bathtub-shower, three interior doors, some drywall, new trim, and a dumpster to haul all the trash away. Oh, and all the plumbing (including all the faucets) were replaced too. It turns out the freeze was much worse than we originally thought. And, the final figure includes labor too; aside from some demo, I didn't do jack. I'm okay with that.

That being said, I think that once I finish up finals in couple of weeks, this house is going to go up for sale. I think I've overdosed on home improvement for the foreseeable future.

A Good, Old Fashioned Disaster

2010-01-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

See, when things go wrong, it is you housebloggers that I think about. A couple weeks back, we had a nasty cold snap. It was below 25 degrees for about a week here in Arkansas. My renter was good and left the faucets dripping, but when it's that cold and the house doesn't have real insulation, it just isn't enough sometimes. Oh, and the renter wasn't home when this happened.

They discovered it when the neighbors called because they were concerned about the lake in the yard.

Note, the builders of this gem of a house decked the floors with chip-board. On the upside, this probably saved the whole house from flooding. Once the floors in the bedrooms were ruined, the water drained straight through it and into the crawlspace.

Some of the tear out heaped in the carport.

Condensation on the ceiling from all that lovely moisture.

Oh, and did I mention that our insurance doesn't cover this kind of damage. Driving rain? Fire? Tornado? Yes. Burst pipe in the bathroom? No.

So, this is all out of pocket (and being documented for a monster tax write-off next year). So far, all new plumbing, new bathtub, new sub-floors (approximately 400-500 square feet), new carpet, new vinyl, new drywall, three new doors, and . . . counting.

On the upside, this should all be finished next week because I hired the whole bleeding mess out. See! I learned something!

But plumbing is still the Devil.

Unhappy Hipsters

2010-01-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

You housebloggers might get a kick out of this. The photos are mostly from Dwell magazine. The captions are not. Pretty damn funny in my opinion. Enjoy.

The Final Walk Through, August 2009

2010-01-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

I found these pictures on my cell phone this week. I took them during my final walk through of Devil Queen last August. Haven't seen her since.

Below is the railing the buyer's insurance company required us to install before they'd close on the deal.

Thank You

2009-12-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

Jacqueline, thank you very much. Have a happy holidays.

Congratulations!

2009-11-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

For those of you who may not have heard, one of our own is now Mayor-elect of Dayton, Ohio. Congratulations Gary and good luck!

Changes

2009-10-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

Here are few things I've gotten to do since the Devil Queen sold:

1) Gone to Florida, twice.

2) Gone to New Orleans.

3) Paid off a college loan.

4) Had unexpected bills (car repairs, etc) and paid for them in full without a panic attack, woe, or selling organs on the black market.

People ask me if I miss the Queen, but so far, not so much. It's still too thrilling having a life again for me to feel sentimental. Will this change? Maybe, but probably not soon.

Comments et al.

2009-09-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hello All,

Sorry it’s been a while. Still tying up a few loose ends relating to the Queen. Don’t worry, nothing serious. The deal is still final. School and work have been keeping me very busy too. The only reason I have any time is that I’ve been in bed with the flu pretty well all week at this point. So, I imagine I’ll be behind in everything for weeks to come.

I would like to thank all of you for your comments on the previous post. I would also like to say that Housebloggers (and the Devil Queen’s other readers) have consistently been the nicest people that I’ve never met (face to face). You guys have been a great audience and an invaluable resource over the years. So thank you all very much.

As for the comments, I thought I’d address them here:

Whiskeratti, what next? Law school. I apparently have a deep-seated need for things that will fully monopolize all of my free time.

Jayne, thanks. I’ll see what I can do on that count.

Jason and Heather, thank you and good luck!

Holly, thanks! It is a great relief.

Old House Lover, thank you. Sadly there was absolutely no profit involved for us. Just getting out from under it was enough at this point. It was killing us.

Bryan, thanks. And yes, that was an unsettling coincidence. I couldn’t have planned it any better if I’d tried. Fitting, no?

Greg, that it is. Thank you. And good luck to you as well. It looks like you still have a ways to go yet. You haven’t started on the second floor yet, have you?

River Watson, thanks. I’ll have to get back to you on that sorrow v. joy thing. Time, perspective, and all of that. Right now it still stings.

Kate H., so long as blogger is free and the Internet survives, I plan to keep this site up. And you have a good point. I guess we kind of did save her, but you can never account for what the next person is going to do. And we all know that I am an optimist.

Jasonandefer,

I’m sorry that we never got to meet you, but I wish you the best of luck should you decide to build up there. It really is a pretty spot. Thanks!

Regarding the blog, according to our realtor, the buyer found the blog and read it before they bought it. How is that for crazy? No matter what happens, you can’t say we didn’t warn them.

Lenise, even the wicked must pass too, eh?

Janine, what makes you so sure we didn’t try an exorcism? Or two?

If I ever make it to Canada, we’re having a beer. Seriously.

Green Fairy, thanks and good luck with your house.

Anonymous, I totally relate to the irrational hate thing. At some point, you just can’t take any more whether it makes sense or not. And yes, a huge weight has been lifted.

StuccoHouse, thanks. Don’t worry. If I ever buy another house (or building) and it needs work, I’ll definitely blog it. At this point, it seems like the natural thing to do.

Happenings, I’ll have to get back to you on that. This going to sound insane, but we tried so many things over so many years that I can’t quite remember. I will say that I am a big fan of the heat gun because all methods of paint stripping suck ass. It’s a matter of preference really. I want to say that Removal worked fine on latex, but no so much on the others. And it often needed multiple coats. But, let me check on that again. Good luck.

I any case, I’ll be back when I can. I actually have a few more posts in mind since the sale is final. See you around.

The Queen Is Dead, Long Live the Queen

2009-08-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

All the paperwork has been signed. Providing there are no un-dotted i's or un-crossed t's, the deal is done. The Devil Queen has been sold. A sad day of much rejoicing.

More to come.

Update

2009-08-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

I just heard from the title company. The felllow in Nebraska has given us the green light. If the release makes it to them in time, we could close late tomorrow.

Post Script to F.U.B.A.R.

2009-07-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that my blood pressure has gone through the roof as I've written all these posts. I think I'm going to step away from this for a while in the interest of not acting like a totally mean, psychotic, and angry asshole. Life goes on after all irregardless of how this idiotic tragicomedy comes out in the end.

Anyhow, I'll update again when I'm not feeling totally evil.

F.U.B.A.R. or Closing As An Abortion (Part III)

2009-07-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

This inane delay is screwing up a number of things for me. And starting Monday, they are going to start falling like dominos.

I spent most of my financial reserves in the last couple weeks: lawn mowing, hired help, et cetera. All of this wheel greasing was done with the thought that the house would be sold before I had to pay for the next mortgage payment. That payment is due tomorrow and considered late after the 15th.

I have an apartment in Little Rock. It's rent is due tomorrow.

I was thinking about taking off the last half of next week as a last mini-vacation for the year. This is my last chance until December because I start going to law school part-time on the 12th of August. Sometime before the 12th and 20th of August, I have to buy about $800 in text books. Oh, and tuition is due on the… 19th I think.

I think you see where this train wreck is going. And it doesn't get any better unless the Devil Queen sells. So, until that happens, here I am. Waiting.

F.U.B.A.R. or Closing As An Abortion (Part II)

2009-07-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going to have to go back to the very begin for this to make any sense. Or, at least I hope it makes sense.

Back around 1998-1999 a gentleman in our area bought a huge parcel of farmland. He financed this through a bank since it was large purchase. Then, he subdivided this parcel in to lots and began to develop a subdivision. People paid for the lots, he paid his bank, and the little pieces of land were released from the larger original parcel. Or, that is how it is supposed to work.

Back in 2001 I bought two lots in this subdivision. The gentleman in question owner financed it to us. In 2003 we sold one lot to someone living in California. They bought it as an investment and the lot has sat undeveloped ever since that time.

We took our profit and used it to move the Devil Queen. We didn't have enough money to do it all, so we took out a construction loan with a local bank. The bank paid off what we still owed on the lot and rolled that amount in with the construction loan so it was one big package now. This was also in 2003 or so I believe.

Things went on and then we "finished" the Devil Queen in the summer of 2007. We had the Devil Queen appraised and took out a real mortgage. The construction loan was paid off at this time.

The bank then sold our mortgage to the secondary market.

All of these transactions took place without a hitch. No problems with the title company et cetera.

Now, in 2009 we try to sell this goddamned, godforsaken house and we can't. Or, at least not yet.

Why? To be honest, I am not one hundred percent sure. If I understand it correctly, the VA or whoever is financing our buyer isn't happy with the level of documentation provided. They want a "letter of release" stating the developer released the property to us when we paid him off with the construction loan some 6 odd years ago. Until today, no one has been able to find a copy of this document or documentation proving that we paid. As of 10 AM or so, the title company had located this information. Everything is okay, right? Nope. No fucking way.

See, there is another snag. Sometime in the last year or so, the developer defaulted on his payments to the bank for the original note on the original parcel. So, everything involving the master parcel is being handled by a bankruptcy attorney for the bank in question. So, everything has to go through them for approval. As of 10 AM today, the title company sent off all the documentation they'd requested so that the bank could issue another letter of release or something of the like. I really don't have a full grasp of these details. In any case, the buyer, the realtors, the title company, and I have been waiting since 10AM for a goddamn bankruptcy attorney in Nebraska to respond to an email. At this point, I'd gladly choke the bastard half to death.

Not that you probably care, but if you happened to be a bankruptcy attorney in Nebraska reading this, respond to your fucking email because you're completely screwing up about 10-12 people's lives down in Arkansas. Thank you.

F.U.B.A.R. or Closing As An Abortion (Part I)

2009-07-31T12:58:00.001-07:00

If I could throw something now, I would. After a week of this shit, I'm actually starting to get mad about this whole thing. But let me back up yet again.

I took last Friday off of work and busted my ass for three days getting the house ready. I had to make sure a freaking railing was put on the back porch because the VA are a bunch of nit-picking douche bags. I had to finish moving our copious collecting of little treasures out of the Devil Queen and into storage. I swept, mopped, and dusted. I took down the antique light fixture in the foyer which does not convey and replaced it with something a little less dramatic and dear to our hearts. Jack was kind enough to loan me a truck and his time so the countless truck loads of shit could be laid to rest. Kenny came with a truck, trailer, and two helpers to move our washer & dryer, the refrigerator, and the armoire that Andre the Giant was meant to be buried in.

By the end of it, I was covered in chiggers & seed tics, cuts, bruises, and a smattering of poison ivy. I was exhausted. I ate continuously and somehow lost a couple of pounds. Saturday was a 16 hour day. But, come Sunday evening, it was finished.

We were on schedule to close at 4:30 PM Tuesday, July 28, 2009.

Then, Monday evening the title company calls and says there is a problem. Fucking brilliant. But, I thought I was clever. I was expecting something like this. Some weird, unforeseen delay. I did not panic. Supposedly, all I needed was a letter or something from the gentleman we'd originally bought the lot from back in the days of Moses. Sure. No problem I though.

Well, you know how that goes. Right?

Now, I actually did get that letter, but it turns out that wasn't what I needed after all. Now, Friday, July 31, 2009, I'm still waiting to close. More to come.

The Home Inspection and Another Bleedin' Tease

2009-07-31T07:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry about the long silence. I am superstitious though, and I'd hate to jinx myself. The way things have been going, I can't help but think that I'm cursed. But, I'm getting ahead of myself now.

Anyhow, the story. We have an offer on the Devil Queen. There was a lot of the usual back and forth, and finally buyers and I were in agreement. As I mentioned, there was a home inspection. I was dreading this for a variety of reasons. The big one is that house is still technically not finished. I still consider it to be under construction. Therefore, this leaves a lot of issues that still might need to be worked out.

A secondary worry was: what if they actually found something wrong that we didn't know about like a leaking pipe, twenty raccoons living in the crawlspace, or a roof leak? You know, something horrible.

As it was, I think we lucked out. There were three things marked on the report that we needed to "fix."

1) Repair a "broken" electrical conduit under the house.
2) Physically mark the septic tank and drain field.
3) Physically mark the water shut-off.

First, the electrical conduit was not broken. We ran the main power lines from the power pole to the breaker box through a plastic conduit. The conduit was buried from the pole and under the house. It then comes above ground and makes two 90 degree turns before it runs up into the pantry wall to the breaker box. Apparently, when we ran the conduit up to the box, all wiggling and swearing popped the glued joint on the first 90 degree turn. So, all I had to do was clean the conduit and re-glue it. It didn't even take 5 minutes.

The other two items don't really count as repairs or real issues in my opinion. It's more like a request. Anyhow, my friend Jack was kind enough to wade through the deep grass and pound in some stakes so I didn't have to get anymore poison oak on my legs than I already had. I still owe him a case of beer for the service which I will take care of if I ever close on the Devil Queen.

The home inspection hurdle was cleared, but things don't end there. More to come.

Freedom?

2009-07-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, we have an offer on the Devil Queen. Provided that the appraisal comes through and the buyers don't die or move closer to rehab as all our past buyers have, our Babylonian captivity may come to an end. No rejoicing till the dirty deed is done though. If I've learned anything from the Devil Queen, never tempt the Fates.

Home Improvement Onceler

2009-06-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of months, people have been asking me, "what'll happen to the blog if you sell the Devil Queen?"

This question always makes me think of a scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent asks Jules what he'll do once he quits.

Jules: I'll just walk the earth.
Vincent: What'cha mean walk the earth?
Jules: You know, walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."

I love the idea of this. However, the truth is probably something closer to the Lorax.

Over the last couple of years, I've apparently become a go-to person for information on house moving and cautionary tales of woe. If nothing else, drop a coin in the bucket and see what kind of story gets whispered down the tube to you.

Really though, the posts may not be as frequent, but there is still plenty of material to work with relating to the Devil Queen in particular (a prequel of sorts) and old homes in general.

Housemovers of the World, United in Woe

2009-06-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I happened to meet a couple of old home enthusiast. One of them owned four or five old homes, one of which he'd moved. The house in question was his grandparents' old home. His thoughts on home moving?

"Unless it was a really, really special house, I wouldn't do it again. It's just a major pain."
He actually moved this house quite a bit further than we had moved the Devil Queen. As such, they had to fully dismantle the house, move it, and then reassemble the whole thing. That has to be a special kind of hell.

A Visitor

2009-06-01T06:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I was in the living room when I heard something rustling under the windows. I looked out an saw the tail of something passing by below. I went to Gideon's room and looked out the front window and saw this.

As far as wildlife goes, I'm general a live and let live kind of guy, but coyotes wandering through our yard during the middle of the afternoon gives me pause. Coyotes usually don't attack people, but when they do, they generally attack children. Since I have a five year old and I know there are packs of coyotes in the area, this worries me. Not that I didn't already have reason enough but this gives me yet another to have the yard bush hogged. Soon.

It's A Train Wreck, It's Piling Up One By One (Part 1)

2009-05-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

This post is in response to a question I received in a recent post's comment section. Here is the question:

"Anonymous said... I've read your posts from beginning to end during the last week...it's kind of like watching a train wreck...You can't look away! But I've never seen an answer to this burning question: Did you always plan to sell the DQ? It seems the answer is YES. But then my question is, why are your color choices so personal?? I don't mean to be rude, but how many gigantic yellow houses do you see in Ark. with purple kitchens and orange bathrooms?? Just wondering..."

So, did we always plan to sell the Devil Queen? It wasn't our primary goal, but we always figured sooner or later we'd sell it and move.

Our decision to use "personal" color choices was influenced by our last home improvement catastrophe. Our first house was bought with the idea that we'd fix it up and sell it almost immediately. As such, we tried to make it as vanilla as possible. Lots of white walls, neutral colored carpets and flooring, and bland color and style choices in general.

As our luck usually runs, bad things happened. We finished the house and put up for sale. We sold it. Almost. The buyer died the week of the closing. So, we continued living there until we bought the Devil Queen and moved into her a couple years later. We rented the house and put it up for sale again. We sold it. Almost. Our buyer married a crack whore and moved to Conway to live closer to a rehab facility shortly there after.

But, I digress. What I'm trying to get at and failing to is that we ended up living in this first house a lot longer than we planned. With my luck, I'll end up retiring in the godforsaken turd of a house. White walls are okay for nine months to a year, but after that, it starts to grate on you. Frankly, we hated the vanilla.

So, when we started working on the Devil Queen, we decided that even though we might sell her one day that we'd do her up the way we wanted to since we could be living there for a quite a long time. Besides, a new paint job is pretty easy compared to installing new plumbing, reframing walls, etc. See the rest of this blog for details. Granted, we grossly underestimated most people's willingness to work on their own home, including a seemingly simple task like painting an interior wall. We also failed to realize until much later that quite a few people seem to suffer from a fatal lack of imagination. Confronted with a purple or red wall, they are total incapable of imagining it as being anything else.

I'll be the first to admit that not all of our experiments in interior painting have gone well, the Pee Wee's Playhouse Laundry Room is case and point. However, most people who actually come and see the house in person love the color schemes. The master bathroom & bedroom, the living room, and the kitchen are favorites. Most people are overwhelmed by the orange and blue bathroom, but I still like it anyhow.

As for the yellow exterior, I'm really not sure how much of a consideration that is. Granted, it's not really finished and the first two painters we hired ass-raped it. I would argue the Joseph's Coat of a roof and the Amazonian jungle that is our yard probably deter more people than the yellow. I would also argue that while yellow might not be a traditional or period appropriate color for a Victorian, it is not entirely unheard of even in Arkansas. An image search of Google Images yielded these two houses.

I've seen more both here in Arkansas and elsewhere in the US. We also reasoned that most people who would be in the market for an old Victorian house would probably be okay with a certain amount of flamboyance.

Anyhow, I somehow still have more to say about this, but that will have to wait until after the long weekend.

Do It For A Dollar?

2009-04-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is for all interested parties. In my personal opinion if you just want an old house find one you don't have to move. If it's the family's homestead or a one of a kind gem, maybe. I wouldn't recommend it though. Click to enlarge the story, it's mostly legible then.

Would You Do It Again For A Dollar?

2009-04-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

By the way, the Devil Queen ought to be appearing in the press soon (provided my interview was used). Old-House Journal is running a story about $1.00 houses and whether they are a good idea or not. I think it will be in the May/June issue. We'll see.

So, what do you think I told them?

Feeding the Whirlwind - Wicked Fugling Freak Bestiary and More

2009-04-21T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hello all. As you may have guessed from the flurry of posts here, there is a lot going on now. As is often the case, much of what we're doing requires money. After years of feeding the Devil Queen pretty much everything we have, our money tree is looking pretty sad. So, since I'm all I have, here it is: if you would like to buy my art, make me an offer.

First of all, I am still selling Home Improvement Monkey Tees shirts ($20.00 each). Tell me what size you'd like and it's yours. If you want a shirt in something besides gray or white, let me know. Blue? Green? Magenta? If I can find it, it's yours. Next week I should be rolling out the 3.0 Home Improvement Monkeys. Evil never looked better.

Second, I'm selling some of what I call "Devil Queen Art." Over the years, any number of illustrations have appeared here. If you want them, you've got them. If you want an ode of doom and destruction emblazoned upon the reverse in blood, you'll have to pay extra. Most of these are in pen & ink and watercolor. Some are more modest. If you need more details, please let me know.

$50.00

SOLD

$50.00

$35.00

$15.00

Third, if you would like to commission a house portrait, I have room in my schedule for some. There would be about six week turn around for oil on canvas measuring between 18" x 24" to 24" x 30." If you are interested, please let me know.

Email me here if you are interested in any thing here. Thanks!

Finances In Pictures

2009-04-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

Here is the short version (in pictures) of why we're dumping the Devil Queen after this torrid romance of ours.

First, our finances before the Devil Queen:

While not exactly a lush jungle of vegetation, there are signs of life in the landscape. In the year leading up to the Devil Queen, I'd started a new, better-paying job, we'd refinanced our starter house, and were on our way to paying off all our debits. We'd invested in some land and started a retirement fund. Things were looking good.

And, here is how our finances are now:

No obvious signs of life. Just despair and the rats who gnaw upon it.

Here is a figure to consider. Admittedly, this is an approximation, but over the years we've spent an average of $3,750 a month on this house. And, we weren't working on it for the entire time we've had it. We burned through over $30,000 just getting it moved and set up on the mountain. I can't remember the exact time scale, but there was a $20,000 week in there somewhere.

Anyhow, a more detailed explanation of our decision soon will follow if you have the stomach for it.

Really though, what the fuck were we thinking?

Pilgrimage

2009-04-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

This summer my Dad’s family may be making a pilgrimage back to our ancestral homeland, Chicago. If this comes to pass, I will be in Chicago sometime in late July or early August. If any of you Housebloggers would be interested in having dinner or a drink, let me know. After years of watching you from afar, I’d love to meet you all.

A Long Time Coming . . .

2009-04-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

Easter came and went without too much fanfare. Cold rain, power outages, all the teenage cousins being herded through an inter-dimensional portal to China by a five year old, and coffee with a parole officer. Really, it was a pretty tame affair.

Anyhow, I finally got around to taking a picture of the new front door. While a full twenty some percent of you think that I will be burning in hell, it really doesn't look as bad as I imagined it. The fact that it opens and closes with ease is a bit seductive too.

And, for the astute few of you out there who are wondering what in the hell is hanging from the doorknob, that would be our real estate agent's lock box.

That is right. If you want an old Victorian possessed and brimming with a full century of evil, this house is for you. Also, we're already done all the hard work. Finish the paint job, refinish a few floors, and mow the lawn and that is it. Enjoy old evil with all the modern amenities.

For those you who are wonder how or why we could put the Devil Queen up for sale, that is another story which I'll tell soon. However, until that time, here is a little bit for you to think about: $4.00 a gallon gasoline.

Nothing Says Home Sweet Home Like . . .

2009-03-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing says "Home Sweet Home," like your Entergy Arkansas Nuclear One Emergency Manual.
The only perk to moving the Devil Queen 16 miles out of Russellville is that we're outside of emergency zones above. Zone J is closest to us. According to the instructions, we should proceed to Morrilton incase of an accident. That would put us about 30 miles directly down wind from the reactor. Does anyone besides me remember Chernobyl? Do you think huddling 30 miles down wind was really all that safe?

Scarlet use to work with a girl who was a military brat with her family in Germany during Chernobyl. She said they were ordered to stay indoors for weeks because of the radioactive fallout. And they were hundreds of miles away from Chernobyl. And, she still developed thyroid cancer when she was in her early 20's.

My favorite line in this manual is, "radiation is naturally occurring . . . " They omit the fact that it is naturally occurring in small amounts unless you live in a uranium mine. I'd say that there is a pretty big difference between naturally occurring background radiation and nuclear reactor undergoing an emergency "situation."

Hoodoo

2009-03-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

Speaking of crime, a friend of mine inherited some property from an aunt in rural Conway County, Arkansas. Their aunt's old single wide is still on the old homestead. It's certainly nothing fancy. And, the trailer is next door to her cousin who has a well deserved reputation as a crazy bad-ass. This has not stopped people from kicking in the front door twice and stealing some of the appliances.

My friend's solution? They found some magic voodoo signs in a book and drew them on the trailer with red spray paint. They also wrote, "I do Hoodoo, steal from me and eat live things," beside the glyphs. No one has touched the trailer since.

Miniature Disasters - Part II

2009-03-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

It was a long night. Two very nice gentlemen from the Pope County Sheriff's Office came out to the Devil Queen. They toured the house, took photos and dusted for prints. Unfortunately, except for the foot print on the front door, there were no prints of any sort. According to the deputies, wood (in general and painted in particular) and door knobs don't hold finger prints very well. After they'd finished their work and left, I jury rigged the door and cleaned up enough to have some place to sleep. It was 2 AM at that point. The bedroom was still a mess, so I passed out on the couch.

Fortunately, I had Tuesday off since it was Veterans' Day. I spent most of the day cleaning up the wreckage.

While cleaning, I found the following items were missing from the Devil Queen:

1) A compound miter saw
2) An electric drill
3) A Skilsaw
3) Two guns (one a very expensive Dan Wesson revolver)
4) A DVD player
5) My digital camera
6) One pair of sterling silver, Edwardian cufflinks
7) A 14 carat gold tie tack with small rubies and emeralds.
8) Around 200 CDs.

Totaled with the damage to the door and the cost to replace it, we were left with a $4,000 insurance claim. Our insurance company, Traveler Insurance, was very pleasant. I'd never filed any sort of insurance claim in my life, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Like most, I'd heard horror stories. Fortunately, I have none to share. The only thing that sucked about the whole insurance experience was the $1,000 deductible. So, even though we got a new door and decent chunk of money, a lot of what was taken has not been replaced. The man-jewelry was all antique and one-of-a-kind so replacing it isn't really possible.

I spent Wednesday faxing and emailing descriptions of all of our stuff to every pawn shop and antique store I could find in our area. Nothing that was taken has shown up to date.

I heard from my in-laws a month or two ago two guys, one 18 and the other 21 or 22, were arrested for burglary in Pope County. If they were in fact the ones who broke into the Devil Queen, they certainly haven't volunteered any information. I can't help but wonder though.

In any case, the whole experienced sucked. Shocking, I know. Scarlet and I both find it ironic that we've been robbed twice at the Devil Queen. In our years together, we've lived in Washington, D.C., Rockville, Maryland, and a slummy area of Savannah, Georgia. I spent most of my life in Little Rock while it was over run with gangs. We've lived other places too. Everyone was so worried when we moved to the big city, but we never had much of a problem anywhere. We move back Scarlet's ancestrial home, and we get robbed twice in two years. It makes you wonder about all that horse shit about how small communities are safer and more family friendly places.

Miniature Disasters - Part I

2009-03-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

November 10th last year, I came home late. I'd eaten dinner with my sister and brother-in-law and didn't make it home until just after 10 PM. As I walked to the front of the house, I noticed the ladder that I'd left leaning against the porch posts had fallen over. I thought that it was a little odd, but I figured the wind and storms we'd been having must have blown it over. Then, as I rounded the corner, I saw that the front door was standing wide open. For a moment I thought that the wind had blown the door open too, but the splintered wood and broken doorknob proved me wrong. The door had obviously been kicked-in.

At this point, most people ask me what I did, and when I tell them that I went into the house, some of them are mortified. "What if they'd still been there?" To be honest, I didn't consider it much at the time because I was pretty sure that no one was still there.

We live in the middle of nowhere, so any thief with hopes of taking more than they could easily carry and walk with for a few miles would have to bring a car, truck, or four-wheeler at least. The house was dead silent too. The Devil Queen reverbs with sound like an acoustic guitar. Any significant noise is amplified and projected. When I'm out in the garden, I can easily hear Gideon's footsteps as he runs from one end of the house to the other.

It took a while to figure out what happened, or what we think happened. Our guess is that some time during the day, probably between 10 AM to 3 PM, two young men between the ages of 18-22 drove out to the Devil Queen. They probably live in the area (Atkins, Crow Mountain, or even Russellville) and have friends or know people in our neighborhood. They probably drive by on a semi-regular basis. They know everyone's schedules and knew that not only would we be at work, but that most of our neighbors would be too. The front door is hard to see from the road, so they were sheltered from view once they made it to the porch.

The industrious little bastards that they were, they apparently tried to disassemble the lock with a screw driver and some WD-40 that I'd left on the porch with all the junk for installing the storm windows. I'm not sure what they hoped to accomplish with the WD-40. Aside from making the front door slick, it looks like it just made a mess and pissed them off. They broke the doorknob off, and at this point, they just kicked in the door.

Things get strange at this point. Who ever had the WD-40 was either:

a.) Very nervous and forgot they were spraying WD-40 in all the excitement of breaking and entering,
b.) Was hoping to obscure their fingerprints with the WD-40,
c.) Was a vandalizing jerk in addition to being a thief, or
d.) Some combination of all of the above.

Personally, I believe that it was a combination of b.& c. as did the Pope County Sheriff's Deputies.

In any case, the dick with the WD-40 ran from the front door to the chest of drawers in the foyer, from the chest of drawers to the armoire in the hall, and from the armoire to the master bedroom. They went to the dresser, the two night stands, and the small armoire in the corner. All piece of furniture above and the floor in between were coated in WD-40. This included the mirror on the dresser. Not only did they probably spray off the entire can, but they apparently took it with them since we never found it.

Aside from the front door which was ruined, the master bedroom was the worst. A pillow case had been stripped from the bed and used to haul off the loot. The mattress was slide off to one side, our clothes were all over and with WD-40 on them, the contents of my armoire were thrown all over the room, and everything was a mess in general.

Another odd bit about this robbery was Gideon's room. Someone went into his room and threw the closet door open. The closet only had some old clothes and shoes, so they didn't take anything. Then they ran over to Gideon's night stand which is really a small cabinet. It's about 2 1/2 feet tall and has two hinged doors on the front. They are held closed by a simple, light-weight hooked latch. The doors were thrown open without out opening the latch, and the hook portion was torn out of the wood. What they found inside were four of Gideon's favorite Matchbox cars and a story book which he'd placed there himself Sunday. Apparently, they had a moment of conscious and turned around and left. They didn't have the heart to rob a four year old, which as Scarlet said, "almost made it hard to totally hate them." They didn't take his 13 inch TV, his DVD player, or video game. They left the movies and games too.

The rest of the house was hit or miss. They stole power tools from the junk room at the front of the house. They took the DVD player from the built-in in the living room, but left the record player, the speakers, and the receiver. The dining room was untouched as was the kitchen. The pantry at the very back of the house was torn to pieces, but nothing was taken. The were obviously in a hurry.

Anyhow, it made for a long night. I'll try to finish up Part II and post it tomorrow.

Side Projects

2009-03-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

Here is one on the projects that have been keeping me so busy this year. I am now offering limited edition prints of this painting, 100 prints total. The print image is 16" x 22." The prints are individually signed and number by me and are being sold for $75 a each. If you are interested, please email me here. I hope to have more details on these prints posted next week

Making the Grade

2009-03-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that the Devil Queen has made another Top Ten list. We are officially the poster child for what can and will go wrong in home improvement. Definately fitting, no?

2009-03-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

Hello All.

I have a few minutes, so I thought I'd try to catch up some here at the Devil Queen.

First, I'd like to thank everyone who voted on the front door, even my mother who voted for "burn in hell." And, special thanks to Boy141 and the Home Improvement Ninja for trying to hook me up with some affordable door options.

Second, I would like to thank Janine for the outstanding links, particularly for bringing F*** My Life (Fmylife.com) to my attention. It is lovely reading which kept me occupied for hours.

Third, I think I'll try to start catching up on the last few months next week. It'll probably make the most sense if I start at the beginning, so I'll start with a more detailed telling of the night of November 10, 2008, and everything that came after that.

Until then, enjoy the weekend. I plan to do so.

I Am Not Dead

2009-02-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

Hello all.

I just checked the comments section and thought that I'd let you know that I am not dead. Nothing horrible has happened to me. I have not been attacked by wild dogs. I have not been turned into a zombie. I did not drive my car down a remote ravine and have survive off a diet of urine and beetles until I was discovered hypothermic and insane a week later.

The front door has been taken care of since the last post. Otherwise, nothing has been done on the Devil Queen. I've been busy with a number of non-house projects and obligations, and to be honest, I really haven't been feeling any home improvement mojo.

I will give you all a more detailed post soon and respond to the slew of comments I've received on the last post. Cheers.

Will I Burn in Hell?

2008-12-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I need some hand holding. What do you think about a door like this for the Devil Queen? Since her original, 118 year old door was done in by some morally degenerate thief, I need a replacement. And, I need it soon because what is left of the original door is falling apart. So, waiting for months or years for the perfect, period piece is not an option.

Odd Finding

2008-12-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, Kenny was out to give a quote for fixing the door. While we were talking, he asked, "So have you ever found any Indian stuff here?"

"Nope. Not a thing."

"Years ago, before all these houses were here, a friend of mine came up here to do some hunting. He said there was stuff all over the place up here."

"Really?"

"Yeah, this creek," Kenny said pointing to the creek behind our house, "is year-round. They were up here all the time. If you go down the creek a ways and past the waterfall, he said there were caves. He said the floors of them are covered in arrow heads, hatched, and spear tips."

"Wow."

"I asked him if caught anything when he got back, and he said, 'no.' I asked him if was gonna come up here again and he said, 'hell no, there Indian stuff all over, I ain't goin' near it,'" Kenny said.
We talked a bit more, but I never got a straight answer about it. The conclusion I came away with is that the Indian stuff is cursed or bad mojo, and no one with any sense would mess with it. A lot of the people in Pope County, particularly the long time residents (4+ generations) are at least a little Indian (Cherokee for the most part), which could have a lot to do with it. Something to think about, a cursed house on cursed land.

The 2008 Dumbass Award

2008-12-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

Things have been a bit miserable around here lately: break-ins, a demon plague of blowflies, and a serious case of the flu. In an attempt to shrug off the oppression and misery, I thought that I'd post this year's Dumbass Award. For those of you not familiar with this fine, time-honored tradition, click here.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it's the dumbest thing anyone has done for the award. I'd argue that my mother-in-law nearly cutting her little toe off with the pressure washer was a probably a dumber thing to do, but it wasn't as wild of a story. If I've learned anything from the Dumbass Award, it's that bribery works and that the telling of the story is almost more important than the story itself

Anyhow, the 2008 Dumbass Award goes to Aunt Candy and her daughter Alicia for spending two days on the side of the road looking for an eye.

Of course there is a back story.

Candy's older daughter, Misty, was working at the Pancake House in Conway, Arkansas. As is typical for Misty's luck, the Pancake House was being robbed, and an irate young man was holding a gun to her head as he bagged all the cash he could find. The owner of the Pancake House, a friend of the family (distant enough that I don't know his name) heard that his restaurant was being robbed on the police scanner (some people listen to these for fun apparently).

Distraught, he jumped in his car a drove off to the Pancake House. This resulted in a traffic accident which was serious enough to eject his glass eye through the car windshield.

A little later, Candy and Alicia were at his bedside in the ICU. He was unconscious. Neither was aware that he had a glass eye or that it was missing. All they knew was that there was a huge, caved-in hollow in the middle of his face. Alicia stood looking over Candy's shoulder at their friend.

"Mamma. Mamma."

"What is it?" Candy said.

"Look," Alicia said.

"At what?"

"His eye. Mamma, where's his eye?

About this time, their friend woke up. He was very distraught to discover that his glass eye was missing, and they vowed that they'd find it for him.

They spent hours over the next two days wandering up and down the shoulder of the highway near the scene of the accident, looking for his eye. People, mistaking Candy and Alicia for stranded motorists, would stop and ask if they needed help.

"Yes, we need help. We're looking for an eye." Some drove off, but a surprising number of motorists stopped and helped them look for the eye, including an entire crew of electricians from a local power utility at one point.

Lamentably, no eye was ever found.

The only bit of drama came when Alicia found a small, rubber ball. "Momma! Look! The eye! I found it!" Then she threw it at Candy. Candy did the typical movie slow-motion scene: the sprint, the dive, and the accompanying "Nooooooooooo!!!!"

At the end of the story's telling on Thanksgiving, Candy said, "Really, though. Only this family has crazy stories about stuff like this! Does anyone outside us have stories about glass eyes?!"

Debbie, a cousin of my mother-in-law's and a parole officer, said, "Sure, it happens all the time. My friend X----- was at the Western Sizzlin, and this guy choked. Well, she has her certification, so she did the Heimlich on him. Saved him, but she sure popped that glass eye right out of his head."

What is even better, is that after telling the story to my Dad and sister over lunch, my Dad asks my sister, "So, do you have any glass eye stories?" I think he meant this rhetorically. My sister says, "Actually, one of Matt's aunts has a glass eye. She had cancer."

My Dad looked momentarily shocked, I just laughed.

Would You Do This for $100?

2008-12-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

So, what if someone offered you $100 to spend the night in your house because they thought your house was really cool and totally haunted? Would you let them? What if it was for their Honeymoon?

Curse of the Blowfly

2008-11-25T11:20:00.000-08:00

I hate flies. Most don't bite and they don't sting, but I still hate them. They are the personification of filth and putrescence, Beelzebub's vile minions. Blowflies are particularly odious since their favorite foods are shit and decomposing bodies. Rotting meat and foodstuff will suffice though.

About four weeks ago, the Devil Queen started filling up with blowflies. In the few years that Devil Queen has defiled our life, she has experienced a number of infestations and invaders: wasps, king snakes, bats, scorpions, mice, more wasps, moths and even more wasps. Sure, an occasional fly has made it in from time to time, but we've never been overrun with them. What makes it even stranger is that the Devil Queen is sealed up better than she ever has been since we've had her.

It started with a couple of blowflies in the laundry room which I promptly killed. The next day there were a few more which I also killed. This pattern continued for a couple of days. After another orgy of fly crushing, I remember thinking, "wow, this has got to be a bad omen."

The day after that, I came home from work to find all the clocks flashing since the power had briefly gone out. For Russellville, Arkansas, this is not an odd occurrence. I've lived all over the US and traveled around the world, but Russellville (Pope County in general) is the only place I've been where the electrical service was intermittent. No thunderstorms, acts of God, or accidents are required. The power will randomly go off for a few seconds and surge back on with no preamble. This happens at least once every couple of weeks, and it has done so for years. Entergy Arkansas, thank you for the rate hikes and the poor service; you have made my dream of living in a third world county a reality.

One of the great things about these outages, is the power surge that follows when the current returns. Light bulbs, appliances, and other electronics have fallen victim over the years.

I think you probably see where I'm going with this. Later that night, I went to wash some clothes for work, and the washer wouldn't power up. You could hit the power button all you wanted, but nothing happened. That is what everyone wants out of a $650, two-year old machine, right? Yes, the warrantee has expired. We checked.

I also checked the breaker box and the outlet. It was definitely the machine.

After that, the blowflies kept coming and things got worse. The bay window room was randomly swarmed by wasps after a few freakishly warm days. Then the house was broken into and we were robbed.

The flies got even worse after this, but I suspect this was because our front door was standing wide open for at least a few hours. Really, I was probably lucky that pack of coyotes or a mound of hibernating rattle snakes hadn't moved in by the time I got home. Even so, I was getting very tired of killing 10, 15, or 20 blowflies every day. What is even weirder is that they didn't go for any of the stuff you'd think they would. I never saw one anywhere near the cat's liter box or the kitchen trash can. They seem to like the windows in the laundry room, the living room, and the bedrooms.

And now, just over two weeks later, I'm still finding the occasional blowfly, one here, one there.

I'm hoping the curse may be lifting though. Sunday, just for the hell of it, I went and hit the power button on the washing machine. It turned on. I was too suspicious to try it out though. I have visions of it shutting down mid-load with a drum full of water and the door lock, which I suspect is 100% electric, jammed shut. Forever.

I asked Jack, our electronics guru, about it. He said that a lot of new appliances have thermal switches which automatically turn the machine off when they get too hot. His theory is the power surge tripped the switch and it hadn't reset by the time I came home. So far, that sounds good to me. I certainly don't have any answers.

Maybe if the blowflies are all gone by the weekend I'll try running a load.

Or maybe not. I'm not feeling lucky.

Insurance Claim Complete

2008-11-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

I think that I have finished all of my insurance claim paperwork. Never filed on before in my life, anyone have any idea how long it usually takes for it to be settled? I'd love to have a new front door.

Claims Adjustor Porn

2008-11-18T06:44:00.000-08:00

Here are some of the photos I'm sending to the claims adjustor today. Special thanks to my in-laws for loaning me the camera.

FUBAR

2008-11-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the crappy, low-res picture. At this point, my cellphone camera is all I've got. Thank you to everyone for the very kind comments in the previous post. I'll be back to answer some the questions posed there.

The picture doesn't really capture the raw damage of it all: the dead bolt is bent inside its sheath (or whatever you'd call it), the strike plates were blown down the hall, the jamb lost an 18" section or so, the molding was knocked off, the bulls-eye medalion was wrecked, and the doorknob's shaft was broken in half. There is one foot print on the door (there are voodoo spells for footprints and the police have a photo) so it must have been a hell of a kick.

2008-11-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

So, I got home late Monday night to find the Devil Queen's front door kicked in and the house robbed. This has put me in a real bad mood. More later. Gotta go visit the sheriff's office with an itemized list of everything missing.

Autumn and Competitive Freezing

2008-11-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't done much of anything on the Devil Queen, but that also includes not turning on our heat yet. Okay, Scarlet ran a space heater in the master bedroom, but does that count?

We've had some lovely autumn weather this last week. I've taken advantage of it and done some painting when I haven't been at work, Halloween parties, or voting.

If you're interested in buying this painting before November 11th, send me an email at thedevilqueen(AT)hotmail(DOT)com. Thanks!

Back When I was a Kid . . .

2008-10-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

Complain about the cold and you'll get one-upped in no time. I got this email from my mom regarding this post.

"Read your blog entry on turning on the heat. You might find it interesting to know that we had no heat at night when we lived in the apartment building in Chicago. They had a coal fired furnace (steam heat with radiators). The heat went off at 10 and didn't come back on until 6 or 7. The janitor wasn't going to get up and shovel coal at night. Also, there weren't any storm windows. It got mighty chilly!"

I also seem to remember my mom or one of her siblings complaining about waking up in the morning and having snow on the inside of the window sill. Nice.

Bloody Hell

2008-10-25T19:11:00.001-07:00

Home improvement cock-block strikes again. Spent all day cleaning, painting, and preparing the front triple-sash window so I can put up the storm, and I finished it. I got the top storm up with no problems. Went to clean the lower storm and cracked the bottom fucking pane. My fault of course. So, I call Lowe's, not because I actually believe they will be able to help, but it's like doing due diligence. They don't have any glass big enough. No surprise there. Saturday night in BFE Arkansas. It's be Monday before I can even find glass for the storm. Grrrr.

On the upside, I did get all of the living room storms up.

Competitive Freezing

2008-10-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Funny. I didn't realize that freezing to death in your own home was a competitive sport until recently. I read this post which I thought was cool because of the story behind it. Then, I had lunch with my sister, and she told me about some friends of hers who see how long they can go without turning on the heat in Boston. I might be mixing my stories, but I think November 1st was their minimum goal for this year. As far as my sister knew, it wasn't an issue of money or economy, but a competitive need to see if they could do it.

As for me, I don't have a target date. My goal is to go as long as possible without turning on the heat. Then, once the dirty deed is done, the goal is to run it as little as possible. For me, it is all about money. I could have had a nice European vacation for what we spent on heating the Devil Queen last winter.

So far, I haven't been tempted yet. However, this week is the first one that has actually been cold at night. Last night the temperature made it down to 48 degrees. According to the thermostat, it was a cool 60 degrees in the Devil Queen this morning. Tonight should be a real weenie shrinker though with low around 38 degrees. But the heat won't be coming on tonight. I'll just wear a sweat shirt if it gets nippy.

What is interesting is how much just being at home adds to the house's temperature. I've been closing the living room door to the drafty main hall this week. This segregates the thermostat and the living room, dining room, kitchen, and the bathroom/laundry from the rest of the house. That is about 756 square feet. Just by coming home and being there, the temperature will rise 1 degree within the first 30 minutes to an hour. If I cook and turn on most of the lights, you can add another couple of degrees over the evening. If you run the dishwasher and run the washer and drier too, you can bring the temperature up by five or six degrees by bedtime.

I'm thinking that if I get the rest of the storms up this weekend and re-hang the transom over the living room door that it ought to be possible to keep this part of the house pretty warm for a while, particularly if I use an electric space heater.
In any case, it ought to be an interesting experiment.

Maybe It's the House?

2008-10-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

The other day, I went to visit my sister at her house after work. This time of year, I have to drive directly into the setting sun, so I had my sunglasses on when I got there. My sister was out in the yard and gave me an odd look as approached her house. After I got out of the car, she said, "whoa, for a second there, I had no idea who you were. You looked like that sheriff, the Devil, in O Brother Were Art Thou?"

Nice. I guess I can see a semblance. I blame the Devil Queen. I think it's getting to me. Maybe it's time to move?

Living Small

2008-10-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

I know that this has become a trendy topic since the economy flushed itself, but I've always been fascinated with the "Living Small" movement. The Devil Queen is the largest home I've ever lived in with its 1850 square feet. You know what? Even with a family of three, it was more than I ever needed or could use.

I saw this little story on CNN today:

"João Pessoa, Brazil

I have lived in a 25-foot sailboat, a 28-foot motor home, a 32-foot sailboat, and now an 800 sq ft apartment. I was happiest with the 25-foot sailboat.

When you have a lot of "stuff" it owns you. You have to care for it, worry about it being lost, stolen, or destroyed, insure it, and maintain it.

When I had very little, I was free to do as I pleased every day. I had a car and could take off to visit friends and relatives whenever I wanted. Being on a boat, if I wanted to sail away for a day or a month, there was nothing to stop me. "

And then there are the folks at Tiny Tumbleweed Houses. Here is another CNN story featuring them. While I'm all for smaller, I think I'd like more than 100 square feet even it was just me living there. Personally, I like the Enesti with it's 681 to 774 square feet depending on the version. Too bad they don't have a version with higher ceilings. I love the Devil Queen's 12 foot ceilings, and while I'd like less floor space, I'd miss those airy heights.

So, has the whole home improvement experience gotten anyone else day dreaming about living in a shoe box?

Let's talk crap

2008-10-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

You house people might find this article interesting. I'd never given the whole water vs. paper culture much though. In fact, I didn't know it was an issue until I read this. While there seem to be many compelling arguments for a bidet, they sure are pricy. The cheapest ones cost four to five times more than the toilets we bought for the Devil Queen.

Battening Down the Hatches

2008-10-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

The cold has been creeping in lately. This is to be expected just two weeks out from November, but I am not happy about it. Sunday, I managed to put up two storm windows which was one shy of my goal of three for the day. When your in-laws show up and ask if you want to go sailing on a sunny, blue skied afternoon, how can you say no? And, the sailing was great.

The storms should be a quick project in theory. Just sink six screws per storm and they are up. Sounds easy. However, these storms have been in storage for two or three years now and they're filthy. So, after they are wrestled out from under the back porch and matched to the correct window, I disassemble them and wash them down while being careful to not get bitten by a brown recluse or something equally nasty.

Really, the storms are not all that bad, but the windows are. Invariablely, while washing the windows, I discover all sorts of nasty bits I feel the need to take care of before the storms go up. I'm not going for a perfectly redone and restored window just now since we don't have that luxury, but these windows look so fucking bad you could just cry.

The side of the Queen that I am working on now is especially bad. The ~~worthless ass-monkey~~ "professional" painter not only painted this side of the house the wrong color, he also over-sprayed the shit out of these windows. Sure, as he said, you just take a razor and scrape them clean, but that takes time. And, stupid me, I thought the dumb bastard would be doing this as part of the job. Wrong, but you already knew that. At that point, I should have known better too. Oops! Just one more for the school of hard knocks and bruised balls.

As I'm scraping off the over-spray, I notice twenty or thirty places around the window trim that need caulking. So far I've been using one tube of caulk per window. I don't see this trend changing any. I'm hoping to put up four more storms this week, which I might manage if the weather holds. After that, I only have seven (five for the bay-window room, one for the master bedroom, and one for the laundry room) more to go before I'm finished. Who knows, it could happen.

Exorcism of Winged Evil

2008-10-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

Even the wicked need a home of their own.

The home improvement monkeys and their close cousin, the flying monkey, have taken on a life of their own. As with any other creature of evil intent and origin, they take over once you invite them in to your home. Since this is still ostensibly a houseblog, I thought I'd move them out before the totally dominated the Devil Queen.

Almost Ready To Go

2008-10-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

Minus scraping out the edges and corners so the sander doesn't tear up the baseboards and pulling a cluster of staples compliments of the previous owners, this floor is ready to sand after a couple heady hours of toxic fume inhalation.

A Product Made Possible With A Tiny, Bloody Hole

2008-10-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

I Am Not A Carpenter

2008-10-09T22:32:00.000-07:00

We made just a little progress on the house last weekend. We hung curtains and a rod in the master bedroom closet. The curtains went up without a hitch. Sorry no photos of the window treatments. It also illustrated what a genius Scarlet is when it comes to picking colors.

Me: "Wow, the curtains match the clawfoot tub! That looks great! Did you do that on purpose?"

Scarlet: "Thank you. Yes, I did."

Me: "Genius!"

Maybe I'm easy to impress?

We've been putting off hanging the rod in the master bedroom closet since we moved into the Queen. We kept hoping that we'd save up enough money to have it lined with cedar and have some built-in shelving installed too. Gasoline at $4.00 a gallon and rising food prices sucked up all of our financial slack a long time ago, yet the dream lingered on. Finally, we decided just to hang the damn rod so we could unpack all of our clothes and get all the freaking boxes and tubs off the floor.

Hanging the rod was pretty easy, and it went really well except for the part where stuck a 1 1/2 drill into the back of hand just below my thumb. I was drilling out a hole in a block of wood to hold one end of the rod. I'd already done the one for the other side, so this was the last one. At the very end, the bit hung-up in the hole, jumped, and slashed a checkmark shaped cut in my hand. It was a new bit, so it was a very clean cut. I experienced profuse bleeding and a moment of total shock as I convinced myself that I'd cut it all the way down to the bone. In truth, it was deep, but only skin deep.

This illustrates two important points. First, I have a great imagination. Second, I am not a carpenter. While I theoretically know how to use tools and occasionally do so with some success, I am not a carpenter. Instead, I am pretender at best or at worst, a man with a latent death wish and an inability to recognize his own limitations. To be honest, if I wasn't a damn snob who liked to build his own canvases for oil painting, I'd probably sell or give away all my power tools once we're done with this place. It's something to think about at any rate.

Damn Cheap Monkeys

2008-10-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

Not all monkeys are created equal. This are two misprints from a large order I'm working on now. I can't ship them for obvious reasons, but I need to do something with them. The shirts are new, size large, and in excellent shape. If you don't mind the misprinting, they are yours for $5.00 each which includes first class postage to you. Email me or leave a comment here if you are interested. Thanks!

More Monkey

2008-09-25T01:33:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have bought Home Improvement Monkey Tee Shirts, they should begin shipping this week. The first picture below is a special request version of the monkey, sans the nail-gun. The bottom picture in the bigger, new and improved Home Improvement Monkey prototype. Minus a couple of drips, this version is ready to go. And, of course, the classic Home Improvement is still an option too. Thanks for the patience.

Autumn Update

2008-09-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry for yet another absence. Gideon and I both caught something nasty, either a bad cold or mild flu (fever, sinus congestion, and a cough in my case). Last week at work I couldn't figure out the hot flashes, apparently that was the low grade fever. Scarlet's grandmother got something similar except hers developed into pneumonia. Throw in some seed ticks and family drama and it's been more entertaining than I would like.

Before all of this, I did manage a few home repairs (replacing broken window panes, minor caulk and paint work, and floor prep). Nothing too sexy, but you might get some photos if I finish a few things up soon.

Anyhow, since it's now officially autumn, the summer suits will have to be put away until next spring. I hate to see them go, it's hard to beat white cotton and linen for comfort.

F.U.B.A.R.

2008-09-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you Gustav. After three days and nights of rain, this is my driveway last night after work. In case it isn't obvious, this culvert is supposed to be underground. Instead, the rain scoured away the surface, floated the culvert out of its trench, and laid it on the surface of what is left of the drive. I am not happy.

According to the AP wire, we've received just over 7 inches of rain over the last three days and had wind gusts up to 45 miles per hour. Apparently, that is just the right amount of rain to destroy my driveway. Lovely.

More on this to come.

Test Runs

2008-08-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

Here are two test prints of the home improvement monkey design for the tee shirts. Version three is going to be the "final" print design for the first run.

If anyone out there is interested in these one of a kind proto-types, they are yours for $10.00 each. The size of the actual print is roughly 10" x 10."

~~Update: Version One is sold, so only Version Two is still for sale. Thanks!~~

Update: These monkeys are sold! Thanks!

Cracking the Whip

2008-08-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Sure, it's wonderful that you're home from work now. Why don't you work on the freaking floor while you're here?

Learning to Love My Heat Gun

2008-08-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

So, I started in on the floors again. After eleven months of inactivity, it started again. Who can say why exactly? Fear? Loathing? Voodoo? Boredom? Hell, does it matter?

First, as the tumbleweed photo below indicated, I had to do a thorough cleaning to find the bloody floor. And move furniture. And this was just to finish the dining room floor, which is supposed to be finished for Thanksgiving. 2007. Just saying.

Really, I'm embarrassed at how quickly this went. I mean, I could have had this finished last year.

Here is the before picture of the unfinished portion of the dining room floor.

I finally put the old pine plugs Gary sent to good use. Thank you Gary!

Here is a gripping photo of a round plug in a round hole!

And a puttied round plug in a round hole!

And here is the money shot: the dining room floor with all of its sanding prep completed.

Of course, I missed a few spots. Details.

Since things were moving along, I decided to start on the living room floor. The wood putty I use is filled with all the marvels of modern science: carcinogens, toxic solvent, and other sixteen syllable compounds. I quickly deduced that mystery finish on the living room floor was shellac. The acetone and ethanol alcohol in the wood putty quickly reactivated it. Shellac is a lot better than lead based paint. Since I knew that it was shellac that I was dealing with, I could benefit from everyone else's houseblogging experiences. For once, I knew what to do. I dragged out my heat gun, near virginal in condition, and went to work on the shellac. Sure, I could have used the drum sander on it, but I'd be changing the paper every minute or two as the shellac gummed it up. At a dollar a roll for the sand paper, this will add up quick. I guestimate that stripping the shellac may not save me time in the long-run, but it's probably saving me $20-$30.

The shellac came right up. There appears to be three coats of it. The first is a light cherry color, the next layer is darker with an amber hue, and the final coat is a fugly poo-brown that is so dark that I originally thought it may have been paint. One wonderful thing is that they didn't shellac under the rugs, they just did the rooms perimeter. I guess they had different sized rugs over the years. The rugs seem to have gotten larger over time. This is how I can see all the different layers. Here is a picture.

Here is the next problem area. This corner is going to suck. Even after I strip the shellac, most of this section will have to be hand sanded since this corner is too small for a drum sander. Feel the pain.

Anyhow, more to come.

Two More for the Giant Houseblog in the Sky

2008-08-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

Well, two more old friends and favorites have found their way to the great big Houseblog in the sky: Fixer-Upper and Nightmare on Elm Street. I'll be pruning their dead links from my sidebar. I hate to see them go.

On a happier note, I have finished the "house portrait" of Nightmare on Elm Street. If you'd like to take a look, click here.

And, amazingly enough, I worked on the Devil Queen last night. The end times must be here.

Omens of Things to Come

2008-08-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

Or, a rare example of the Persian Cat Dust-Bunny Tumbleweed in its natural environment. Notice this fine specimens enourmous size.

More to come, cheers!

Home Improvement Apocrypha

2008-08-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

I found this while cleaning out some home improvement rat-holes in the living room. It is a 6" x 4" post card, drawn and painted by me. In an effort to de-clutter the house and raise funds for drum sanders, I'm offering it for sale. If you'd like to make an offer, email me.

Houseblog Resurrection

2008-08-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

I slit my throat this morning, so I believe the stars are right for resurrection.

The slit throat is an exaggeration of course. I did have a spectacular shaving accident this morning, probably the worst I've ever had. The blood was free flowing. It makes a strong case for thorough caffeination before grooming with razors.

I am serious about the resurrection. To put it charitably, this blog has languished on a becalmed sea too long. Not that this is particularly profound, but I had the recently realization that it's time to finish the Devil Queen. Really. Money is still a problem, but I can work around it for now. However, if I can find $135 by August 8th, I will rent a drum sander.

There is no shortage of things to do. What has been occupying my mind are the following:

1) The floors. They need to be puttied, sanded, and refinished. At this point, I would lay new floors in the living room and dining room if I could afford it. That would cost $2000, so it's not an option. Lots of wood putty and sanding is however.

2) The ceilings. All of them have been stripped down to the bar wood and primed. Most still need to be caulked (Gee, is that insulation I see?) and painted. As they are now, they are fucking hideous.

3) The front door. It is so warped that it is beyond repair. It's replacement is imminent.

4) Paint. Most of the Devil Queen's interior is painted. A good bit of it needs to be touched-up. This includes pretty much anything that is white, mostly doors, trim, and wainscoting. While I'm at it, I'm actually paint all the white the same white. Apparently, there is a noticeable difference between cheap white paint from Wal-Mart and cheap white paint from Lowe's. Well, I think so.

5) Caulk. Since I'll be doing lots of remedial painting, it's the perfect time to do some more caulking. You know, fill all the holes in the walls, giant cracks, spider dens, and other unwholesome crevasses.

6) Storm windows. Sure, it's hot ass the Devil's foreskin now, but winter cometh. I'd like to keep our electric bill in the low triple digits this winter.

7) The master bedroom has musty alcove separated from the rest of the room by an approximation of a door. I understand that this may in fact be a closet. If so, I'd like to line it with cedar of some sort and use it as one.

8) Kill the spiders. Does that really need an explanation?

9) Mow the goddamn grass. Or burn it, which is cheaper since I have a lighter but not a lawn mower.

Scarlet and Gideon will be away on vacation all next week, so I'll be all alone for the better part of 10 days. This includes two weekends. It sounds like the perfect time to completely trash the house, sleep in, have a few beers, and put the bugger back together. And, if I'm feeling frisky, I'll tackle Special Project #10, Satan's Bung-hole. This is otherwise known as "remedial plumbing." Don't worry, I'll post the money shot if I make it.

Sell Your Soul

2008-07-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

With the downturn in the housing market, inflation, bank failures, rising gas prices, and the imminent disintegration of the economy, I thought you cash strapped housebloggers might be interested in this untapped source of financing for your next home improvement project, selling your soul. Sure we all joke about selling our souls to our vintage homes (well I don't, the Devil Queen already consumed mine), but now you actually can. They even have a online calculator for estimating the dollar value of your soul though it seems to be out of order at the moment. If their testimonials can be believed, you could probably fund some major home renovations by selling your soul.

What is even funnier is this press release issued by the City of Siloam Springs, Arkansas, warning the public about this which was posted online by the Iconoclast blog.

Check it out, it'll definitely give you something to think about.

Touch My Monkey

2008-07-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's official! The first run of the Home Improvement Monkey Tee Shirts will be without text. However, second iteration of this shirt may have text. If so, I'm thinking of having a vote to see which text goes on them. We'll see how it goes my pretties.

So, I'm ready to start taking pre-orders for the shirt. I'm waiting on the 12 inch squeegee I ordered to come in (it should be here this week), and I'll have to buy the shirts since I don't have any on hand. I'm planning to start shipping the first full week of August. The shirts are $20.00 each and that includes USPS First Class Shipping to the continental U.S. If you'd like Priority Mail or to have then shipped to someplace like Canada for instance, let me know and I'll calculate and tack-on the extra postage.

If you'd like one email me here. Please include your size and mailing address in the email. The default color for the shirt is white, but I'm willing to entertain requests for other colors (except black and other very dark colors which won't show black ink).

Paypal is preferred, but checks, money orders, and possibly bartering are accepted. Paypal payments may be sent to the same email address. Otherwise, I'll email you my mailing address.

Any questions or comments are welcome.

Oh, I've tweaked the design I posted earlier this week. It's basically the same with better definition in the face and wings. I'll post a picture of the slightly revised version tomorrow.

Anyhow, now is when we dance on Sprockets!

Cheers!

I'm Not the Only One

2008-07-15T06:04:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of love for flying monkeys out there. This photo is by a Spanish photographer named Joan Fontcuberta. This is apparently one of her best known photos. Go figure.

Pet My Monkey

2008-07-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Here is the Home Improvement Monkey silkscreen t-shirt design, 1.0. It still needs some work, but I think I ought to be ready to take orders by next week. Now, here is a question for you all: does the design need text (example: Home Improvement Monkey, etc) or should I go with the graphic only? Or, both? Any input is appreciated. Thanks.

Unintentional Spy Camera

2008-07-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when a technologically challenged DIY'er encounters a cell phone with a camera.

The genius that I am, I just now figured out how to email photos on my cell phone to my computer. It only took me a year.

I was sending off all my pictures and deleting them to free up memory when I found this. From what I can tell, around 50% of my pictures are taken on accident. There were probable a dozen pictures of the inside of my pocket (totally black), ceilings, up my nose, and such on my phone. I think this picture was taken while I was clearing out the dining room to putty the floor last year. I think I picked the phone up to move it and *CLICK.* At least you can't see up my nose.

Congratulations to My Marrakesh

2008-06-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

In case you missed this post, check it out. I believe we have our very first Houseblogger book deal. Congratulations Maryam!

Her Best Asset is Getting a Good Nip & Tuck

2008-06-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Hopefully, these pictures speak for themselves. The bay window's paint job is in the process of being upgraded to the non-zombie 3.0 version. Even though most of the "Clear Corona" or orange still needs to be finished, but it's looking a lot better in my opinion.

And, please excuse the fact that our brick walk is in desperate need of a mowing.

Millions of Peaches, Peaches for Me

2008-06-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

After spending the last four years completely consumed with the house, the rest our life has been demanding some attention. Apparently, it was tired of being ignored. So I've had a lot on my mind lately, but not much of it has involved the house. Unless you count gardening, I haven't done anything besides the laundry and dishes. While tending the garden offers a Zen like satisfaction and the home grown tomatoes and peppers are wonderful, they don't make much of a post.

The search for new car is officially over because I can't afford anything that runs. Hell, I've even seen wrecked, non-running cars that I can't afford. The price of gasoline isn't the only thing going up these days. My solution to the car problem is having our old Saturn's engine and transmission replaced. While this is not cheap, it is cheaper than buying something used. If things go well, the rebuilt car ought to give me roughly two years of service before any major maintenance or repairs are required. This is based on putting roughly 40,000 a year on the car.

My father-in-law, the used car dealer, thinks this is a horrible idea since the car "is worn smooth fucking out." To my mind, if the engine and transmission have been replaced, that should pretty well take care of that, no? He suggested that I buy a 2001 Honda Civic with "some front-end and hail damage." Since the money we have from selling the VW wouldn't cover the purchase price for this fine automobile, he suggested that we charge the difference on our credit card. My only response to that is no fucking way.

No one else has expressed much enthusiasm for this solution besides Scarlet. The last time opinions aligned this way, we moved a house. That didn't turn out so great, but in spite of all the portents otherwise, I'm hoping for a better out come. Really, our finances don't offer any other options.

My little sister is putting our home improvement efforts to shame. She is on the verge of finishing all the remodeling and renovation work on her house in under a year. Of course a house is never really finished, but the only major work left is painting the living room, installing some baseboards and trim, painting and installing new cabinet doors in the kitchen, and the bathroom (needs sheetrock, paint, and to have the toilet and sink reinstalled since it was completely retiled). I did have the opportunity to shine as a Home Improvement Superhero, but that tale will have to wait to be told. Maybe next week?

Despite everything we've had going on lately, I've managed to fit in a lot of extracurricular reading. At least once a year, I go on a manic reading spree. Apparently, that time has come. I've knocked out Beauvoirs' The Mandarins and She Came to Stay, Camus' The Stranger, Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, and O'Brian's The Fortune of War. I started A Clockwork Orange this week, and I am thinking about rereading Conrad's The Heart of Darkness if I can find my copy of it. Some other possible future reads are more O'Brian, Andrew Green's The Story of A Marriage, Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, Beauvoir's The Second Sex, The Lucifer Effect (forgot the author's name), and Pullman's His Dark Materials series. More possible re-reads are Orwell's Animal Farm and Selected Essays, and Machiavelli's The Prince. I don't know if I'll make it all of the way through that list, but if I do, does anyone any suggestions?

No major house related activates are planned for the weekend. I'm hoping we might go and pick some white peaches this weekend and gorge ourselves. Since last year's crop was destroyed by a freak freeze, it's been two years since we've had some fresh-picked goodness. I can't wait.

Evil Shrub: Official Plant of the Devil Queen

2008-06-03T05:48:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this the other night. Who knew the Devil Queen had a plant species named after it?

Here is the plant's basic information from the USDA:

"Phaulothamnus spinescens A. Gray
Common names: Devilqueen, Snake-eyes
Phytolaccaceae (Pokeweed Family)
USDA Symbol: PHSP2
USDA Native Status: Native to U.S.

Plant Characteristics
Duration: Perennial
Habit: Shrub Size Class: 6-12 ft. Breeding System: Dioecious Fruit Type: Drupe Fruit Color: White

Bloom Information
Bloom Time: Aug , Sep
Distribution
USA: TX Native Habitat: Thickets
Growing Conditions
Water Use: Medium Light Requirement: Part Shade Soil Moisture: Moist Soil Description: Sandy Sandy Loam Medium Loam Clay Loam Clay

Bibliography
Texas Wildscapes: Gardening for Wildlife (1999) Damude, N. & K.C. BenderSearch More Titles in Bibliography

Additional resources
USDA: Find Phaulothamnus spinescens in USDA PlantsFNA: Find Phaulothamnus spinescens in the Flora of North America (if available) Google: Search Google for Phaulothamnus spinescens
Metadata
Record Modified: 2007-01-01Research By: TWC Staff"

And, here are some pictures of it.

Look at the freaking thorns on that thing. They're huge! And, since it is from the poke weed family, you can bet that it is poisonous. As a thorny, poisonous weed that thrives in a hot, god-forsaken climate, I hereby name Phaulothamnus spinescens A. Gray (aka devilqueen) the official plant of the Devil Queen.

Now all we need is an official song and flag and we'll be well on our way to being a semi-autonomous kingdom of misery and woe. I wonder if we could transplant some of it here at the Devil Queen's homestead? The yard looks so bad that I'm sure one more thorny, invasive weed wouldn’t be noticed.

Troubles and Respite (Part 1)

2008-05-29T22:09:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been very busy.

First off, I sold off my VW Beetle. It had been in the shop for the last five or six weeks. Actually, it's been in two different shops during that time. I got it out of the first shop, and it ran for three days somewhere in the middle these six weeks. Then it broke down again. I dropped it off at another shop since shop number one obviously didn't fix the problem. During that short period that it ran, I decided to buy a new used-car. I was driving the VW to the dealer for a trade-in estimate when it crapped-out. Lovely. A definite deal-breaker. In hindsight, it is almost funny. Actually, if it was someone else's life, it would be.

The most recent update I had from shop number two was that they were still trying to figure out what was wrong with the car's electrical system. One of the car's fuse boxes had melted, so they had to replace it before they could start looking for the real problem. That's right, a melted fuse box was, "symptomatic and not the real problem with the car." Anything that causes your fuse box to melt is not good and most likely very expensive.

I don't know much of anything about cars, but I do know that every time the Beetle goes in for some work, I'm probably looking at $1000 shop bill. I was terrified as to what the "real problem" might be and how much that would cost.

Then, I received a miraculous phone call. A man called and said that he'd like to buy the car as-is and he'd pick up the shop bill. After several phone calls and talking to the mechanic, we came to an agreement. I sold the car and a great deal of worry. He got the title and a car that would have been shot and sent to the glue factory if it were a horse.

I'm still looking for a replacement car. My father-in-law has been kind enough to loan me one of his cars until I find something. Before I go any further, let me preface this by saying that I am in no way complaining about my loaner. It's free and it runs. I have no complaints. This is particularly true if you compare it to some of the other fine cars that I've borrowed from my father-in-law over the years. When you consider that no less than fifty-percent of them have exploded, the fact that it runs is fantastic. Okay, I have to admit, the whole exploding car thing is a bit of hyperbole. Only the engines did. And they didn't some much as explode as melt, lock-up, and squirt oil everywhere. And smoke.

My current ride is 2003 Cavalier. For those you who might not be familiar with this fine driving machine, it's Chevrolet's version of a compact-sedan something like a Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic except that it's made out of plastic and pressed tin.

While the Cavalier is condom like in that it should be bought new, used once, and thrown away, it is not a car that will get you laid. In fact, if any of you have a teenage boy with a driver's license and you do not what to become a grandparent in the immediate future, buy them this car. With an engine that revs like a farting zipper and trails a cloud of noxious gray-white smoke, this car will impress the ladies.

This particular Cavalier leaks or burns (or both) roughly a quart of oil a day. With the correct combination of deceleration while in gear followed by aggressive acceleration, this car lays down an impressive smoke screen like one of those cute little World War Two destroyers trying to screen the aircraft carrier from a Kamikaze attack.

Gideon has named the car Stinky-Pete.

While I've never been too concerned about my car's appearance, it's been hard learning to live with Stinky-Pete. I feel guilty that every time I drive this car, a huge swath of the Amazon Rainforest dies and global temperatures creep up a degree or two. I find myself deliberately avoiding high traffic pedestrian areas because it's embarrassing to pull away from an intersection when you get a green light, and all the poor people collapse, writhe, and die in the crosswalk.

In addition to this car drama, we've been doing what we can to survive the recession. I know that technically this economic downturn has not been named a recession by very authoritative sounding bean-counters since we haven't had two consecutive quarters of negative economic growth, but, if Warren Buffett says he thinks it's a recession, I'll believe him. He a lot smarter than me and more successful than the average bean-counter, so I figure he'd know.

The best thing that has happened in the last few weeks is that we've acquired two new renters both by the name of Anna. If we find one more, I think that it will officially qualify as a collection. We helped one Anna move in since she was an acquaintance of my wife. That went pretty well minus the fact she lived in a pseudo-ghetto and she nearly got us into a fight with someone who was probably a Latino drug-dealer and/or gang member on accident.

My other attempts to find extra money have not been nearly as successful. Selling artwork and miscellaneous junk on eBay used to be a great source of beer money in times past. Now, not much of anything is selling. I've gone so far as to look for a second job, but there isn't much out there. I'm hoping that my cost-of-living-adjustment for the next year, plus the two renters, plus cutting back on a bunch of crap will keep us afloat. I think it will, but I still don't feel good about things. I've been granted a respite but not a solution.

Home Improvement Hibernation

2008-05-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

My heart is willing but my wallet is empty.

Until I scrounge up some more money, work on the Devil Queen will be confined to lots of low-grade tinkering and puttering. You know, stuff like cleaning off the front porch and hanging up the two ferns we bought off of the Lowe's discount garden rack.

We just don't have the budget to do much more. As it is, I've been putting off buying two gallons of paint this week because this is my big home improvement purchase for the month. And, I even have a 10% off coupon thanks to a co-workers generosity. Funny how things change.

If anything substantial happens, I'll post it.

Exhibit #1 - Idiot Glove of Doom (Part Two)

2008-05-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

The glove in the previous post turned up in last weeks laundry. Scarlet and were folding the laundry when I came across it. "Is this yours," I asked.

"Oh no, that is yours. Remember? It was the glove you were wearing when you tried to tear your hand off with the grinder."

"Oh." Abashed, I pull on the glove. The glove looks really rough, but not nearly as bad as my hand did. That was what, two years ago? Three? Where had this glove been all this time? What in the hell was I thinking while I was grinding down that bath tub? Was I thinking?

Finally I ask, "Really, why did you marry me? I'm freaking idiot."

Scarlet gives me a crooked smile and a playful elbow jab to my ribs, "Sometimes I wonder too."

Exhibit #1 - Idiot Glove of Doom (Part One)

2008-05-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

An artifact from my home improvement past.

Crazy - And Too Tired To Tell

2008-05-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been crazy busy: renters, repairing rentals, car repairs, and more.

I'll give the full update later. I'm hoping for semi-blissful Memorial Day weekend to recharge first. If anyone has a pre-1994 VW Fox, Cabrio, Beetle, or Rabbit in running condition for sale within a 8 hour drive of Russellville, please let me know. Thanks.

Have a great weekend.

The Dao of My Father-In-Law

2008-05-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

My father-in-law is incredibly vulgar. I rather like this. He is never boring. And, while it would easy to mistake him for some semi-crazy hooligan, he does slip up and occasionally make surprisingly lucid, insightful comments. Scarlet and I have joked about collected his sundry sayings in to book.

For example, his assessment of the current economy:

"If I were selling fresh pussy for a dollar and I was a buyer, I still wouldn't be making any fucking money. I'm not selling shit, it's the worst it's ever been."

On persistence:

"If you throw enough shit at a wall, some of it will stick."

On bad luck:

"If it was raining pussy, a dick would hit me in the face."

On moving a house:

"You're fucking nuts. You could build a nice, new house for that much money. Are you crazy?"

See, words of wisdom.

I'm Not the Only One

2008-05-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this article, "Flip this house. Please," as part of my morning read. I found this passage particularly funny:

"By our second spring, the neighbors had begun to notice that we were somewhat laissez-faire in our approach. We are blessed with very nice neighbors, by the way, all retirees, and it pleases them to landscape with ferocity. Such is the ornamental fervor of suburban culture.
My wife claims she understands this. Still, as she gazes upon their iridescent lawns and geometrically perfect flowerbeds, it is hard for her not to feel a twinge of shame.
"Our lawn is eroding," she informed me recently.
"I don't think that's the right word," I told her.
"What would you call it, then?"
I looked out at the scabs of browned sod and dandelions. "Eroding is when the soil disappears," I said, professorially.
This exchange is characteristic of my overall attitude when it comes to home improvement. I am both self-righteous and incompetent, a truly American combination. The result is a kind of flustered inaction familiar to those who have lived in tenements. Last month, for instance, my daughter dashed out of my office and nearly plummeted down the stairs. I managed to snatch her up, but in the process fell backward and knocked a crater into the flimsy wall of my wife's office.
I have refused to hire laborers to repair the crater, arguing (somewhat plausibly) that we don't have the money and (somewhat less plausibly) that I will do it myself. My stopgap solution has been to push an end table in front of the crater."

The Importance of Age

2008-05-20T05:59:00.000-07:00

I came across this while doing some art research:

"Ruskin had a deep respect for Gothic architecture and old buildings in general. To him, the building's age was the most important aspect of its preservation: 'For, indeed, the greatest glory of a building is not in its stones, not in its gold. Its glory is in its Age, and in that deep sense of voicefulness, of stern watching, of mysterious sympathy, nay, even of approval or condemnation, which we feel in walls that have long been washed by the passing waves of humanity.'"

Home Improvement Chiaroscuro

2008-05-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my comment to the previous post, my obsession with the economy and personal finances has a lot to do with the Devil Queen. Once we signed a construction loan to cover what turned out to be the initial costs of moving and rebuilding the Queen, we surrendered most of our financial freedom as well. It is embarrassing to admit, but we actually thought that the initial costs would actually cover the whole project. We were just too green to know better.

The Devil Queen is a cautionary tale. In an exercise of home improvement chiaroscuro, I thought that I might give you a fine example of what you ought to do with an old home. I think the deep, hope-killing darkness that is the Devil Queen only makes this bright example shine even more.

In particular, consider this:

"Below is the short list of what I’ve done in the last 6 years. All work needing it, is done with permits, inspected, and meets code.

Remodeled 2 apartments over the garage, and I have great tenants
Removed 3 bathrooms and 3 kitchens (rentals)
Removed 2 story addition
Rebuilt 2 porches
All new wiring from the poll on, with new sub-panels and main disconnect
All new copper water lines from the curb on and several new drains
All new phone lines, CATV, and coaxial from the poles on (work in progress)
Restored kitchen and bathrooms, including building my own cabinets
Stripped off asbestos siding and restored exterior detail
Had all of the missing interior and exterior trim remilled out of salvaged old-growth redwood.
Stripped exterior to bare wood and repainted
Built a laundry room
Stripped all of the wallpaper and old flooring back to bare plaster and original floors
Stripped all of the paint out of 4 rooms – all with LOTS of woodwork
Removed all of the 1920s partitions and rebuilt walls
Cleaned a “shooting gallery” out of the attic
Purchased antique lighting for the entire house (mostly rewired and installed)
Purchased antique tile for the 2 fireplace hearths
Purchased antique doorknobs, mortise locks, and hinges for all of the doors
Purchased antique Eastlake doors for the entire house
Plus 1.4 zillion other little things

The last 6 years have been a blur, but really a lot of fun. To date my total debt is $9,000 on a $20,000 home equity line of credit. Four thousand of the $9,000 debt went for dental work and taxes 2 years ago. My 2 credit cards carry a zero balance. There are a lot of things about my life that I’m not proud of, but boy, this is not one of those."

I'm impressed. In any case, congratulations for a job very well done Greg.

It’s The Economy Stupid

2008-05-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

I came across an article in Der Spiegel today which caught my interest. It was written by Bob Herbert with the NY Times regarding the U.S. presidential elections. The election wasn't nearly as interesting to me as the underlying demographics. I'm not sure how it ended up in Der Spiegel, but here are some excerpts:

"The youngest of these voters, those ranging in age from roughly the late teens to the early 30s, are part of the so-called millennial generation.

This is a generation that is in danger of being left out of the American dream -- the first American generation to do less well economically than their parents. And that economic uncertainty appears to have played a big role in shaping their views of government and politics . . .

A number of studies, including new ones by the Center for American Progress in Washington and by Demos, a progressive think tank in New York, have shown that Americans in this age group are faced with a variety of challenges that are tougher than those faced by young adults over the past few decades. Among the challenges are worsening job prospects, lower rates of health insurance coverage and higher levels of debt.

We know that the generation immediately preceding the Millennials is struggling. Men who are now in their 30s, the prime age for raising a family, earn less money than members of their fathers’ generation did at the same age. In 1974, the median income for men in their 30s (using today’s inflation-adjusted dollars) was about $40,000. The figure for men in their 30s now is $35,000.

The landscape is changing before our eyes. Younger voters struggling with the enormous costs of a college education, or trying to raise families in a bleak employment environment, or using their credit cards to cover everyday expenses like food or energy costs are not much interested in hearing that the government to which they pay taxes can do little or nothing to help them."

If you're interested in the full article, click here.

The Beast Lives Forever More

2008-05-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

Well, after only four years, we have a fully functional plumbing system, or so I thought.

We'd been having trouble with our clawfoot tub drain. It really wasn't too big of a problem if you didn't use the tub. Since we now have two working sinks in the master bathroom, we no longer had to wash our hands in the tub, so this wasn't a problem for me. However, my wife has this obscene fetish for soaking in a hot bath with gobs of girly, good smelling herbs and oils. While our jet-tub is fully operational, something about pumping a milk bath with essential oils through the self-heating jet system just didn't sound like a good idea.

So, she demanded that the clawfoot tub be fixed. Otherwise, she proposed tearing the whole master bathroom off the house since it "never seemed to fucking work." I am not kidding. And, I think that she was serious.

Fearful, I called Russ at All Plumbing and asked him to come back to house and fix the drain. He said he'd be out in a couple weekends at 9 AM. He never showed. I called and left a message. He called back and left a message. And, so it went. Normally, I wouldn't have put that much effort into it, but he'd done such a professional job on two previous occasions that I figured missing the appointment was a fluke. Finally, Scarlet talked to him, and he came out and fixed the drain. And, he didn't charge us since "you already paid me to fix it once, so it ought to have been fixed." Great! There was much rejoicing and a hecatomb was sacrificed to the plumbing devil.

Scarlet goes to take her long anticipated soak after a truly suck-ass week at work. She complained that the water wasn't hot enough, and, after a empirical test to prove to me that the hot water heater at the rear of the house made hotter water than the master bathroom system, I went under the house and turned up the thermostat on the offending heater. And, defying all expectations, the water actually got colder. It went from sort of hot to lukewarm. No, I didn't accidentally turn the thermostat down either. I checked.

So, what's the problem? I do not know. I think the heater may need a higher amp breaker. My dad also suggested that due to the length of the run from the breaker box to the heater that we may need to replace the line with a higher gauge wire. Scarlet thinks it might be a bum water heater.

Any suggestions from you clever DIY types? If you have some, let me know.

Plumbing is the Devil.

Wormwood

2008-05-07T05:23:00.000-07:00

Thought for the day: When life gives you wormwood, make absinthe.

Dreaming of a Water Garden

2008-05-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

I found this article on how to create a self-sustaining garden pond online earlier this week. It's a pretty interesting article if you're into water gardens and self-sufficent ecological systems.

We have a natural depression near the Devil Queen's front walk. When we get heavy rains, water tend to pool up there, so, instead of fighting nature, we're thinking about adding a goldfish pond with water lilies. If we can build one without all of the filters, pumps, et cetera, we can do it on a very small budget. The biggest cost will be the water proof liner which I estimate will cost around $50 for the small size pond we're considering. Then there are the gold fish, snails, plants and pea gravel (approximately $30).

If you actual bought a filter/pump system, it would cost over $100 by itself. Then you have to bother with supplying the pond with electricity and all that jazz. Thanks, but no thanks.

Stagflation

2008-05-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

Chaos, murder, mayhem, raging infernos of insanity, ugly babies, plagues, pestilence, and woe unto all.

Okay, nothing that bad has been going on here. Really. But, we have had some problems we've been working through. Pretty much everything goes back to the joys of stagflation and the dubious pleasure of clinging to the lower rungs of the middle class ladder. We have fixed rate mortgages (yes, plural) so a balloning mortgage payment isn't an issue for us. However, when the price of gasoline, groceries, and electricity increase by roughly 25% and your income doesn't, you have a big, expensive problem on your hands. Add your car breaking down (again), and you now have a very big, interesting, expensive problem.

We have some possible solutions in the works, but things are still up in the air. I should have something to actually post about it later in the week. Wish me luck.

And, we have actually completed some landscaping and plumbing for a change. Pictures and more to come.

You Know You Want It

2008-05-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Here is most of what I've got. Make me an offer. I've suggested some prices, but mostly I want it gone.

Item 1) 10 "strong tie" metal tie ins for hanging joists. The inside "cup" is roughly 1 5/8 " wide and 3 3/16" deep. All 10 for $5.00.

Item 2) one 1 1/2" pvc "T." $1.00.

Item 3) Four 3/4" to 3/4" to 1/2 " T's. Two 1/2" T's. One 1/2" female treaded coupling/adaptor; one 1/2" coupling, one 3/4" (treaded) to 1" coupling; and one 1/2" to 1/2" female threaded adaptor/coupling. All PVC. $5.00.

Item 4) Two CPVC 3/4" to 3/4" cut-off valves, rated for 150 PSI. $7.00.

Item 5) Misc brass L coupling, 3/4" (threaded) to 1/2" (?).

Item 6) One Craftsman portable table saw guide (roughly 14" x 5 1/4" x 4 3/4"). The silver portion which fits in the saw's groove is 5/8" wide. $5.00.

Item 7) Eight 3/4" PVC couplings.

Item 8) CPVC Mixed Lot: 18 1/2" T's; one 1/2" cap; four 1/2" L's; five 1/2" treaded couplings (used to attach to sink cut-off valves, etc). $5.00.

Let me know what you want at thedevilqueen(AT)hotmail(DOT)com, and I can figure out the shipping. Paypal or checks are good. If you have any questions, please let me know.

Happy Walpurgis Night

2008-04-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to wish you all a happy Walpurgis Night. Don't let the evil bastards and the restless dead get you . . .

I've been hoping to finish a few projects to post about, but I haven't managed that yet.

I've also been collecting unused building material to return, but there is a big pile of things which can't be returned for a variety of reasons (opened package, no receipt, can't remember where I bought it, etc). I'm going to take pictures and post them here and perhaps on eBay too. So far I have a few circuit breakers, lots of pvc & cpvc fittings, sink traps, accessories leftover from our stolen tools (table saw guide, battery charger, etc), and more. I'm not planning to ask much for this stuff. I just want it out of my house and don't want to throw it away. I hope to have it up by Friday this week. If you see something you want/like, let me know.

I've completed a few very small projects around the house, but nothing post worthy. Hopefully, I'll do something more interesting soon.

Home Improvement Monkeys Ride Again

2008-04-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

They're back.

Or, they will be soon. When I origianlly posted this picture back in 2006 or 2007, I had several inquires about getting this on a t-shirt. I had a lot of trouble with getting images scanned, uploaded, etc to Cafe Press, so I've taken the means of production into my own hands to do it myself. I'm working-up this image to make a silkscreen print. I've never done this before, so I have no idea hard it will be to get this right. It's the friggin' story of my life.

Anyhow, if any of you wonderful readers out there are still interested, let me know. There is no better incentive than an audience. As soon as I have a working image, I'll post it here.

It Costs More Than Money

2008-04-18T23:14:00.000-07:00

Amanda provided a link to this story in a comment to a post below. It's a great article. This segment of the article stuck with me:

How long did projects like re-caulking 733 window panes take?

“Years,” Mr. Giffels says. “This is where I’m glad I wrote the book 10 years later, it gave me a perspective of all the time it cost: All my vacation time, all my possible spare time, a number of years of my children’s growing up I gave to my children’s house. And once you get in it, you can’t get out, you can’t sell a house in that condition. When all of a sudden you realize what it is costing you in your life, it’s too late.” [Emphasis added by me]

First, Mr. Giffels is 100% right.

Second, whereas he loves the town in which he lives, I do not. This makes being trapped with my whore of an old house even more odious. Not only do I resent the amount of my life the house has stolen, I don't particularly like where it is: in a dry county without reliable internet service of any kind, little to no cell phone reception, and a shitty job market (even in the best of times). It might be an understatement to say that strategic planning was not one of our great strengths.

On the upside, I didn't have to refurbish 733 panes of glass. If I did, I think I would have shot myself a long time ago. Really, that much glass is hell. I'm just impressed that he finished.

It Runs Downhill

2008-04-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

These pictures are already a week out of date, but here is some of the drainage and landscaping work I've been doing. Prior to all my work, this area of our yard was a muddy mess every time it rained.

In the last couple of weeks, I've added the brick walk to the left, the French drain, and add a gravel walk to connect the path to the gravel driveway & parking area. This Tuesday I finished filling in the gravel. The next step is complete the rock lined flower beds and start filling them in with plants, mulch, and other goodies. We're also considering a pond.

We've had six months worth of rain in the last six weeks, so the new drainage has been given a good workout - it's worked great! Now, all I have to do is finish it.

I'll try to get more photos, diagrams, et cetera up by early next week.

If anyone wants the Saturn for parts, it's yours. Make me an offer. Seriously. If you jump it, you could probably get it to run well enough to get it on a trailer. I wouldn't drive it more than a few miles on the open road. It might make it. Or, it might not.

Someone Is At The Door

2008-04-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

I thought it was just me.

For the last year or so, I've had this reoccurring dream. I never remember the dream, but I will suddenly wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding. The last thing I remember before waking is the sound of someone violently pounding on a door's glass pane. The sound of their hand beating on the glass is very distinct, the tempo of the fist-falls are fast. Urgent.

I look at the clock. It's usually between three and three-thirty in the morning. Other times, I wake with no memory of anything at all, but it is at roughly the same time. 3:12 AM. 3:23 AM. 3:33 AM. Restless sleep and waking.

The house is invariably silent. Nothing stirs. I drift into a fit-full sleep.

I mention my insomnia to Scarlet. She jokes it's the Devil's Hour and tells me I ought to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Thank you, but no.

A month or more ago, Scarlet was dreaming. Gideon was in the dream, and he suddenly turns to her and says, "There's someone at the door."

Scarlet wakes up. The house is silent. Then, someone starts beating on the Devil Queen's front door. It's loud and sharp. Scarlet is worried they'll break the glass they are beating so hard. The door rattles in its frame. It's urgent, insistent in a way that says something is wrong. Fire. Death. Disaster.

The house is quite. There are no footfalls on the porch. There is no sound of someone running away from the house on the gravel driveway. No one is there. Scarlet lays awake for a little and falls back to sleep.

Over breakfast Scarlet says, "I think we have another ghost. Have you heard the knocking on the front door?"

I tell her yes, but that I thought it was a dream. She tells me about her experience.

She sips her coffee. "How do you sleep here all the time?" she asks. "After a weekend here, I'm more tired than after a full week of work."

"You get use to it," I shrug, "but a lot of times I don't."

Me? A Darwin Award? Never!

2008-04-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

Even I am amazed by my total lack common sense and observational powers. For the last few days or so, I've been wondering why my arms have been so sore. I just couldn't figure out what I'd done to them.

Yesterday, the answer finally became obvious. They hurt because I've been shoveling gravel and ditch digging for an hour or two every couple of days after work. I figured this out because they started hurting while shoveling yet more gravel. Duh.

I have no idea how I managed to survive to adulthood.

Fiddle While Rome Burns

2008-04-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

As part of our on-going Fiddle While Rome Burns divertimentos, Scarlet and I abandoned the Devil Queen to its fate (which is saying something since most of the state has been experiencing 100 year floods with six months of rain in six weeks) and took a decadent three day excursion which included a seven course tasting menu with wine pairings at Ashley's at the Capitol Hotel, horse races, a spa, ducks, raw oysters, Guinness, scotch, a college reunion, shopping, and more.

And, if that weren't enough, we sandwiched all of this in between plant hauling, ditch digging, landscaping, gravel hauling, and house cleaning.

Work hard and play hard because life is short.

Giving the People What They Want

2008-04-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, this blog had a Paypal donate button. And, one day, the button stopped working. I tried to fix it, got frustrated, took it down, and forgot to put it back up again. Years passed. Then I got this email:

"I use Mozilla Firefox and AdBlocker Plus, so if there are any ads on your site, I'm not seeing them so I can't click on them to generate ad revenue for you. So if you put up a paypal/donate button, I know I'd use it. There might be more people like me out there."

Well, what can I say? The people wanted it, so I had to do it.

Incremental Progress

2008-04-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

While the end product may be less than overwhelming, some things are getting finished around the Devil Queen. My big projects for the week have mostly been landscaping.

Sorry, no pictures. Even with a flash, there isn't much to see at night in a thunderstorm. And, incase you've been lying in bed late into the night wondering about it, shoveling gravel is a lot more work than you might imagine. It's definitely worse than your average ditch digging or rock rolling.

I'm working on installing a small drain pipe under the walkway from the Devil Queen to the parking area. I've trenched and installed the drain, so now all I have to do is fill it in and complete the ~~grave~~ gravel path. I dumped six or seven wheelbarrows worth of gravel last night, but I figure I'm only 1/3 to 1/2 way finished. And, between other commitments and the weather, it may be Saturday or Sunday before I finish.

Weekend Update

2008-04-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

Unless charging an obscene amount of money for plants and landscaping materials to your wife's credit card counts as working on the house, we didn't do anything on the Devil Queen this weekend.

Instead, we bought Gideon his first real bicycle and spent the afternoon at the park on Saturday. Sunday, we went sailing with his grandparents. And, I'm not even sorry.

Don't worry, the misery will continue this week.

Will I burn in hell for replacing our kicked-in front door with something like this? This door is new, solid wood from National Home Center.
	Yes, there is a special place for people like you.
	Yes.
	Maybe.
	No, but it still sucks.
	No.

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Would you let them spend the night there alone?
	No.
	Maybe.
	Yes, but I'd want more money.
	Yes, but not for their Honeymoon.
	Yes, no questions asked.

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So, what do you think? Based on your own experiences, do think Mr. Herbert has got it right?
	I'm 34 years old or younger - yes, I agree.
	I'm 35 years old or older - yes, I agree
	I'm 34 years old or younger - maybe? I don't know.
	I'm 35 years old or older - maybe? I don't know.
	I'm 34 years old or younger - no, I disagree.
	I'm 35 years old or older - no, I disagree

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