The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Cult of the Devil Queen

I need a new job. I'd prefer one closer to home, the 2 1/2 hour commute is killing me. I think that it's time for me to implement Plan B.

Back in those halcyon college days, a couple friends and I decided we needed a Plan B if adult life didn't work out for us. We decided that our Plan B would be starting a religious cult. We agreed that our religion would have to absolve followers of sins, offer an apocalyptic ending for the world, paradise after death, and the usual fare without all the annoying thou-shall-nots (Like the prohibition of alcohol and bestiality; murder would still be bad of course).

Most importantly, we'd offer a refuge for the hopelessly insane and socially handicapped that drift on the outer margins of society. And, as long as we provided all the necessary answers for a meaningful existence, hopefully the faithful would tithe enough to the cult that we'd never have to work. This would leave us with enough time to: sleep-in, read, watch bad, late night television, play video games, and drink.

Would you believe people say I have cynical outlook on the world? Just let my sad example be a warning to all you mothers out there. When your sons reach that awkward age of about 14, don't let them spend hours locked in their bedroom alone reading Machiavelli. It could lead to blindness and a jaded, anti-social weltanschauung! Instead, give them porn.

While it's unfashionable to admit it, I must confess that I harbor a secret urge to spread the Devil Queen and her dominion over the whole earth. This is only fitting since I'm the cult's head-priest. The blog is only the first step in my insidious and far reaching conspiracy. The Freemasons don't have anything on my Dark Mistress and I.

For those of you who object to my unctuous, amoral ways but still want a way out, I would recommend that you do what my friend Daryl did, marry a Canadian. For those of you who were blessed to be born Canadian, this plan won't work for you. As a foreign national who has married a Canadian, you won't be able to legally work in Canada for several months (a year or more?) and your new spouse will have to agree to support you financially for two years even in the event of divorce.

So, at this very moment, my friend is forcibly unemployed, supported by his new wife, and spending his days sleeping-in, playing video games, reading, watching bad, late night television, and drinking. God bless Canada.

Every cult has its own regalia. As high-priest, I get to where the Horned Crown. Very awe inspiring, I know.

6 Comments:

Blogger Gary said...

I figured that if I were to start a church, I would call it the "Christian Alliance for Salvation and Happiness". Just make your checks out to CASH please....

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Patrick said...

If the "Devil Queen" becomes a "church," doesn't that mean that all improvements now become "tax-deductible?" I think the govmnt is going to owe you a BIG refund this year....

Hmmm...

12:31 PM  
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