Ride The Snake

There haven't been any posts for the last few days because we've been beset by a series of unfortunate events. This is my nice way of saying that still can't walk without assistance since I spent most of the weekend getting my ass reamed with a drain snake. In short, the last 4 or 5 days were horrible. I have new appreciation for the real meaning of the biblical "gnashing of teeth." Since I like savoring my suffering and woe in excruciating detail (why work on your house when you can whine about how bad your little roach of a life is?), you'll have to wait for all tears and entrails.

To date I've sold my soul to the Devil Queen, my asshole to the bank, my wife to a media conglomerate, so why not sell my standards too? On the upside, it may get the bank's enormous, barbed verge out of my arse so why not? More on that later, probably much later for reasons that will be come clear in due time.

As for all this bullshit winter weather we've been having, where the fuck is all the global warming everyone has been whining about? Currently, if you spend more than a minute or two in our main hall (with an un-insulated door at either end and, yes, I do know how to fix that) in less than a sweat-suit or coat, your nipples will be hard enough to cut glass. Clearly we haven't all been doing our part to enjoy summer (or at least spring) year round. You know who you are.

I don't want to hear about saving the goddamn polar bears - sure they're cute but they'd fucking eat you and your family in a heart beat, just ask the good folks in Churchill, Canada - when my physical and emotional comfort are on the line. I mean the extinction of two or three irreplaceable species in some distant ecosystem is worth it, right?

Sure, it would be easy to dismiss this as the rantings of one egotist asshole, but, as someone who has spent some serious time in rural Wisconsin and Chicago in the middle of winter, believe me when I say that this will benefit a lot more people besides me. And what about all those poor Canadians? I think it is long overdue for us, as Americans, to really pay attention to the well being of others in the global community; I mean, they speak something like English for the most part and they have oil too, don't they?

So, I want you all to go out and buy filthiest, gas guzzling truck you can find, smoke a few packs of cigarettes, and turn your thermostat up to 90 and run it day and night with the windows open so the poor bastards at Emery House can wear shorts in January. Believe me, they and my nipples will thank you.

And, in spite of what all of this might lead you to believe, I have actually been working on the Devil Queen. Go figure, shit happens.