The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Ride The Snake

There haven't been any posts for the last few days because we've been beset by a series of unfortunate events. This is my nice way of saying that still can't walk without assistance since I spent most of the weekend getting my ass reamed with a drain snake. In short, the last 4 or 5 days were horrible. I have new appreciation for the real meaning of the biblical "gnashing of teeth." Since I like savoring my suffering and woe in excruciating detail (why work on your house when you can whine about how bad your little roach of a life is?), you'll have to wait for all tears and entrails.

To date I've sold my soul to the Devil Queen, my asshole to the bank, my wife to a media conglomerate, so why not sell my standards too? On the upside, it may get the bank's enormous, barbed verge out of my arse so why not? More on that later, probably much later for reasons that will be come clear in due time.

As for all this bullshit winter weather we've been having, where the fuck is all the global warming everyone has been whining about? Currently, if you spend more than a minute or two in our main hall (with an un-insulated door at either end and, yes, I do know how to fix that) in less than a sweat-suit or coat, your nipples will be hard enough to cut glass. Clearly we haven't all been doing our part to enjoy summer (or at least spring) year round. You know who you are.

I don't want to hear about saving the goddamn polar bears - sure they're cute but they'd fucking eat you and your family in a heart beat, just ask the good folks in Churchill, Canada - when my physical and emotional comfort are on the line. I mean the extinction of two or three irreplaceable species in some distant ecosystem is worth it, right?

Sure, it would be easy to dismiss this as the rantings of one egotist asshole, but, as someone who has spent some serious time in rural Wisconsin and Chicago in the middle of winter, believe me when I say that this will benefit a lot more people besides me. And what about all those poor Canadians? I think it is long overdue for us, as Americans, to really pay attention to the well being of others in the global community; I mean, they speak something like English for the most part and they have oil too, don't they?

So, I want you all to go out and buy filthiest, gas guzzling truck you can find, smoke a few packs of cigarettes, and turn your thermostat up to 90 and run it day and night with the windows open so the poor bastards at Emery House can wear shorts in January. Believe me, they and my nipples will thank you.

And, in spite of what all of this might lead you to believe, I have actually been working on the Devil Queen. Go figure, shit happens.


Anonymous Your tree-hugging sister said...

Bro - you should be ashamed of yourself for this post! Since I live too far away to do it in person, consider this comment an electronic bitch-slap.

11:41 AM  
Blogger John said...

Hey Sis, ease off the organic foods; think "comic irony."

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Bruce said...

Amen, here, here, and all that jazz.

I'm not sure I've laughed this hard in a week.

1:02 PM  
Blogger Chris and Mandy said...

Thanks John, it feels a little warmer already. I think I'll take off a layer, which'll take me down to five. Woo-Hoo!

I'm almost afraid to ask, but "I spent most of the weekend getting my ass reamed with a drain snake"?

And nope, no oil here. Nothing to see here folks, move along now.

1:16 PM  
Anonymous your tree-hugging sister said...

Hey Bro - I get the comic irony, I'm just worried others might actually agree with you...

1:56 PM  
Blogger John said...

Yea of little faith; in my experience, housebloggers have higher than average intellectual acumen.

2:47 PM  
Blogger My Marrakech said...

Yikes, life is sounding very stressful. John will you email me your address? I want to send you something that made me think of you.

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Carol said...

Did I miss something? Are you seeing a proctologist or something? You are MUCH too young for ailments like that.
Are you blaming THAT on the queen?

5:27 AM  
Blogger John said...

Maryam, thank you. I just sent you an email.

Carol, I had to laugh. Thankfully, no doctor has been manhandling my rear; I meant it figuratively. More details to follow; too busy to post today.

2:46 PM  
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