International Stardom Narrowly Avoided

A few weeks ago we were contacted by a big, glossy magazine with nationwide circulation because they wanted to do story about the Devil Queen. There was even talk of sending a bonafide photographer out to Arkansas. Then, a week or so after that we found out that the writer was leaving the publication, and, unless someone else at the magazine picked up the story, it was probably dead. Since we haven't heard from anyone, I'm guessing this baby is still-born.

I probably over reacted and probably shouldn't have started lining up the cast for the movie. Sure, we hadn't even sold the movie rights yet or even written the book, but we figured it was just a matter of time at this point. I mean, once we made it to Oprah and NPR this baby was going to get moving, and we needed to stay one step ahead of the game. Right?

The Money Pit is still probably the definitive home improvement movie, but I think there is room for a few more films in this genera. In addition to updating it for the 21st century, there is a lot that the Devil Queen has to offer that the Money Pit didn't: ghosts, black magic, zombies, torrid sex, drugs, human sacrifice, felonies, alcoholics, house moving, go-go boots, black snakes, seizures, certifiable crazies (have I mentioned our financier still circles the house several times a week in his airplane?), blunt force trauma, a Stephen King cameo (okay, we're still working on this), and Dumbass Awards in a setting that is one part Deliverance, one part Fried Green Tomatoes, and two parts O Brother Were Art Thou?

Really, it is probably for the best that it didn't work out. Giving a self absorbed asshole like me a little money and a fame is about like giving some jihadi weapons grade plutonium; there is no way that it's going end pretty. It would only be matter of time before I went from charming, personable interviews with Conan O'Brian to snorting a kilo of cocaine off Lindsay Lohan's breasts, a cat fight with Courtney Love, an ugly divorce, rehab, and studying kabbalah. Before you know it, I'd be renting a room in Pauly Shore's basement and living off Beanie Weenies, second hand paper backs, and porn. I just don't want to go there. Yet.

Besides, we were having a lot of trouble deciding who should be cast as me. We'd narrowed it down to Daniel Radcliffe and Topher Grace, but just couldn't decide.