The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

International Stardom Narrowly Avoided

A few weeks ago we were contacted by a big, glossy magazine with nationwide circulation because they wanted to do story about the Devil Queen. There was even talk of sending a bonafide photographer out to Arkansas. Then, a week or so after that we found out that the writer was leaving the publication, and, unless someone else at the magazine picked up the story, it was probably dead. Since we haven't heard from anyone, I'm guessing this baby is still-born.

I probably over reacted and probably shouldn't have started lining up the cast for the movie. Sure, we hadn't even sold the movie rights yet or even written the book, but we figured it was just a matter of time at this point. I mean, once we made it to Oprah and NPR this baby was going to get moving, and we needed to stay one step ahead of the game. Right?

The Money Pit is still probably the definitive home improvement movie, but I think there is room for a few more films in this genera. In addition to updating it for the 21st century, there is a lot that the Devil Queen has to offer that the Money Pit didn't: ghosts, black magic, zombies, torrid sex, drugs, human sacrifice, felonies, alcoholics, house moving, go-go boots, black snakes, seizures, certifiable crazies (have I mentioned our financier still circles the house several times a week in his airplane?), blunt force trauma, a Stephen King cameo (okay, we're still working on this), and Dumbass Awards in a setting that is one part Deliverance, one part Fried Green Tomatoes, and two parts O Brother Were Art Thou?

Really, it is probably for the best that it didn't work out. Giving a self absorbed asshole like me a little money and a fame is about like giving some jihadi weapons grade plutonium; there is no way that it's going end pretty. It would only be matter of time before I went from charming, personable interviews with Conan O'Brian to snorting a kilo of cocaine off Lindsay Lohan's breasts, a cat fight with Courtney Love, an ugly divorce, rehab, and studying kabbalah. Before you know it, I'd be renting a room in Pauly Shore's basement and living off Beanie Weenies, second hand paper backs, and porn. I just don't want to go there. Yet.

Besides, we were having a lot of trouble deciding who should be cast as me. We'd narrowed it down to Daniel Radcliffe and Topher Grace, but just couldn't decide.

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11 Comments:

Blogger Maggie said...

OK, you are seriously hilarious. We were contacted last year by the producers of If These Walls Could Talk to see if they could do a show on our house. I freaked out. I ended up saying no. :)

10:35 AM  
Blogger Georgetown House said...

You crack me up. And one of these days I'm going to have to rent and watch The Money Pit, though after we finish this current project we won't have enough money to afford something as spendy as a video rental.

But you failed to mention who would play you in the movie. This is something we need to know. I'm guessing Pierce Brosnon would be a good choice, because of course with all that fame you'll be affecting an accent as well.

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Amanda (WV) said...

This is hysterical because I was thinking Pierce Brosnan to. Great minds think alike. If there is money involved I'd be more than willing to prostitue myself and the house. Of course it not as nice as the Devil Queen. Can I get the VIP tour in July?

Amanda

3:24 PM  
Blogger John said...

Thanks everyone.

Pierce Brosnon? Wow. Older, better looking, and that wonderful accent, why not?

Amanda, VIP tour? Sure, come on down. If I'm not too broke to go, I'll be at a wedding from the 19-21st, but we'll be around for the rest the month.

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Julia said...

My word John, you all have TONS of weddings to go to, don't you?

This post had me LOL for real. It was great. Sorry the story didn't work out, maybe it still will and you'll be snorting some odd substance off Lindsay's breasts in no time.

8:35 PM  
Blogger Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Aw, that's lousy. I would have loved, loved to have seen the Devil Queen in some glossy spread. But I am keeping my fingers crossed that they will still contact you again.....!

10:35 AM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

Don't forget Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House -- I don't care what anyone says, Myrna Loy kicks ass.

What is this weird attraction of a story line that makes you slightly nauseous because it's so true (Office Space...)?

4:51 PM  
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