The Underappreciated Fiscal Benefits of Cleaning House

A couple of weeks ago Scarlet and I watched the movie, Stranger Than Fiction. Most people who have seen it that I have talked to thought it was a so-so movie. Scarlet and I really enjoyed it. Maybe it something to tell us at this particular time in our lives? Who knows?

In any case, one of those background details that I noticed about most of the homes in this movie was how Spartan the furnishings were. Even the flat Emma Thompson's character lived in with its high ceilings and fancy moldings, was furnished with very little. I liked the look.

One, it makes the spaces seem bigger and more dignified. Two, your eye is really drawn to what is there. It makes it stand out. It also makes you wonder why that particular piece of furniture, book, et cetera is there. The lack of other things makes you consider what is important about that piece, why it was chosen while so many others were not.

I have since unleashed my inner-minimalist and been steadily cleaning out everything from the Devil Queen. A couple of hours of cleaning can easily produce four sacks of trash, an large box of items ready to be donated to Marva, and a small pile of items to be sold on eBay. The actual number of things which are really worth keeping is astoundingly small. To think, I've spent years hauling and storing all of this stuff just so I could dispose of it now. Genius.

Aside from the general sense of being unburdened, there have been some other underappreciated fringe benefits. The other night amid all the detritus of a thousand years, I found two un-opened cans of wood putty and a tube of tub & tile caulk for the seam around the hot tub. This find is easily worth $35-$40 which is pretty exciting since I already spent the money on it.

See, less is more.

International Stardom Narrowly Avoided

A few weeks ago we were contacted by a big, glossy magazine with nationwide circulation because they wanted to do story about the Devil Queen. There was even talk of sending a bonafide photographer out to Arkansas. Then, a week or so after that we found out that the writer was leaving the publication, and, unless someone else at the magazine picked up the story, it was probably dead. Since we haven't heard from anyone, I'm guessing this baby is still-born.

I probably over reacted and probably shouldn't have started lining up the cast for the movie. Sure, we hadn't even sold the movie rights yet or even written the book, but we figured it was just a matter of time at this point. I mean, once we made it to Oprah and NPR this baby was going to get moving, and we needed to stay one step ahead of the game. Right?

The Money Pit is still probably the definitive home improvement movie, but I think there is room for a few more films in this genera. In addition to updating it for the 21st century, there is a lot that the Devil Queen has to offer that the Money Pit didn't: ghosts, black magic, zombies, torrid sex, drugs, human sacrifice, felonies, alcoholics, house moving, go-go boots, black snakes, seizures, certifiable crazies (have I mentioned our financier still circles the house several times a week in his airplane?), blunt force trauma, a Stephen King cameo (okay, we're still working on this), and Dumbass Awards in a setting that is one part Deliverance, one part Fried Green Tomatoes, and two parts O Brother Were Art Thou?

Really, it is probably for the best that it didn't work out. Giving a self absorbed asshole like me a little money and a fame is about like giving some jihadi weapons grade plutonium; there is no way that it's going end pretty. It would only be matter of time before I went from charming, personable interviews with Conan O'Brian to snorting a kilo of cocaine off Lindsay Lohan's breasts, a cat fight with Courtney Love, an ugly divorce, rehab, and studying kabbalah. Before you know it, I'd be renting a room in Pauly Shore's basement and living off Beanie Weenies, second hand paper backs, and porn. I just don't want to go there. Yet.

Besides, we were having a lot of trouble deciding who should be cast as me. We'd narrowed it down to Daniel Radcliffe and Topher Grace, but just couldn't decide.