The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Sell Your Soul


With the downturn in the housing market, inflation, bank failures, rising gas prices, and the imminent disintegration of the economy, I thought you cash strapped housebloggers might be interested in this untapped source of financing for your next home improvement project, selling your soul. Sure we all joke about selling our souls to our vintage homes (well I don't, the Devil Queen already consumed mine), but now you actually can. They even have a online calculator for estimating the dollar value of your soul though it seems to be out of order at the moment. If their testimonials can be believed, you could probably fund some major home renovations by selling your soul.

What is even funnier is this press release issued by the City of Siloam Springs, Arkansas, warning the public about this which was posted online by the Iconoclast blog.

Check it out, it'll definitely give you something to think about.

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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Troubles and Respite (Part 1)

The last few weeks have been very busy.

First off, I sold off my VW Beetle. It had been in the shop for the last five or six weeks. Actually, it's been in two different shops during that time. I got it out of the first shop, and it ran for three days somewhere in the middle these six weeks. Then it broke down again. I dropped it off at another shop since shop number one obviously didn't fix the problem. During that short period that it ran, I decided to buy a new used-car. I was driving the VW to the dealer for a trade-in estimate when it crapped-out. Lovely. A definite deal-breaker. In hindsight, it is almost funny. Actually, if it was someone else's life, it would be.

The most recent update I had from shop number two was that they were still trying to figure out what was wrong with the car's electrical system. One of the car's fuse boxes had melted, so they had to replace it before they could start looking for the real problem. That's right, a melted fuse box was, "symptomatic and not the real problem with the car." Anything that causes your fuse box to melt is not good and most likely very expensive.

I don't know much of anything about cars, but I do know that every time the Beetle goes in for some work, I'm probably looking at $1000 shop bill. I was terrified as to what the "real problem" might be and how much that would cost.

Then, I received a miraculous phone call. A man called and said that he'd like to buy the car as-is and he'd pick up the shop bill. After several phone calls and talking to the mechanic, we came to an agreement. I sold the car and a great deal of worry. He got the title and a car that would have been shot and sent to the glue factory if it were a horse.

I'm still looking for a replacement car. My father-in-law has been kind enough to loan me one of his cars until I find something. Before I go any further, let me preface this by saying that I am in no way complaining about my loaner. It's free and it runs. I have no complaints. This is particularly true if you compare it to some of the other fine cars that I've borrowed from my father-in-law over the years. When you consider that no less than fifty-percent of them have exploded, the fact that it runs is fantastic. Okay, I have to admit, the whole exploding car thing is a bit of hyperbole. Only the engines did. And they didn't some much as explode as melt, lock-up, and squirt oil everywhere. And smoke.

My current ride is 2003 Cavalier. For those you who might not be familiar with this fine driving machine, it's Chevrolet's version of a compact-sedan something like a Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic except that it's made out of plastic and pressed tin.

While the Cavalier is condom like in that it should be bought new, used once, and thrown away, it is not a car that will get you laid. In fact, if any of you have a teenage boy with a driver's license and you do not what to become a grandparent in the immediate future, buy them this car. With an engine that revs like a farting zipper and trails a cloud of noxious gray-white smoke, this car will impress the ladies.

This particular Cavalier leaks or burns (or both) roughly a quart of oil a day. With the correct combination of deceleration while in gear followed by aggressive acceleration, this car lays down an impressive smoke screen like one of those cute little World War Two destroyers trying to screen the aircraft carrier from a Kamikaze attack.


Gideon has named the car Stinky-Pete.

While I've never been too concerned about my car's appearance, it's been hard learning to live with Stinky-Pete. I feel guilty that every time I drive this car, a huge swath of the Amazon Rainforest dies and global temperatures creep up a degree or two. I find myself deliberately avoiding high traffic pedestrian areas because it's embarrassing to pull away from an intersection when you get a green light, and all the poor people collapse, writhe, and die in the crosswalk.

In addition to this car drama, we've been doing what we can to survive the recession. I know that technically this economic downturn has not been named a recession by very authoritative sounding bean-counters since we haven't had two consecutive quarters of negative economic growth, but, if Warren Buffett says he thinks it's a recession, I'll believe him. He a lot smarter than me and more successful than the average bean-counter, so I figure he'd know.

The best thing that has happened in the last few weeks is that we've acquired two new renters both by the name of Anna. If we find one more, I think that it will officially qualify as a collection. We helped one Anna move in since she was an acquaintance of my wife. That went pretty well minus the fact she lived in a pseudo-ghetto and she nearly got us into a fight with someone who was probably a Latino drug-dealer and/or gang member on accident.

My other attempts to find extra money have not been nearly as successful. Selling artwork and miscellaneous junk on eBay used to be a great source of beer money in times past. Now, not much of anything is selling. I've gone so far as to look for a second job, but there isn't much out there. I'm hoping that my cost-of-living-adjustment for the next year, plus the two renters, plus cutting back on a bunch of crap will keep us afloat. I think it will, but I still don't feel good about things. I've been granted a respite but not a solution.

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Home Improvement Hibernation

My heart is willing but my wallet is empty.

Until I scrounge up some more money, work on the Devil Queen will be confined to lots of low-grade tinkering and puttering. You know, stuff like cleaning off the front porch and hanging up the two ferns we bought off of the Lowe's discount garden rack.

We just don't have the budget to do much more. As it is, I've been putting off buying two gallons of paint this week because this is my big home improvement purchase for the month. And, I even have a 10% off coupon thanks to a co-workers generosity. Funny how things change.

If anything substantial happens, I'll post it.

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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Dreaming of a Water Garden


I found this article on how to create a self-sustaining garden pond online earlier this week. It's a pretty interesting article if you're into water gardens and self-sufficent ecological systems.

We have a natural depression near the Devil Queen's front walk. When we get heavy rains, water tend to pool up there, so, instead of fighting nature, we're thinking about adding a goldfish pond with water lilies. If we can build one without all of the filters, pumps, et cetera, we can do it on a very small budget. The biggest cost will be the water proof liner which I estimate will cost around $50 for the small size pond we're considering. Then there are the gold fish, snails, plants and pea gravel (approximately $30).

If you actual bought a filter/pump system, it would cost over $100 by itself. Then you have to bother with supplying the pond with electricity and all that jazz. Thanks, but no thanks.

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Monday, May 05, 2008

Stagflation

Chaos, murder, mayhem, raging infernos of insanity, ugly babies, plagues, pestilence, and woe unto all.

Okay, nothing that bad has been going on here. Really. But, we have had some problems we've been working through. Pretty much everything goes back to the joys of stagflation and the dubious pleasure of clinging to the lower rungs of the middle class ladder. We have fixed rate mortgages (yes, plural) so a balloning mortgage payment isn't an issue for us. However, when the price of gasoline, groceries, and electricity increase by roughly 25% and your income doesn't, you have a big, expensive problem on your hands. Add your car breaking down (again), and you now have a very big, interesting, expensive problem.

We have some possible solutions in the works, but things are still up in the air. I should have something to actually post about it later in the week. Wish me luck.

And, we have actually completed some landscaping and plumbing for a change. Pictures and more to come.

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Eating Poor

No matter how much money I make, I always feel poor. And, a majority of the time, I actually am too. Sure, the bills get paid, the house gets worked on, and things inevitably get taken care of, but there is seldom much if anything left over at the end of the day.

Back in 2002, we were completely wiped out. I had to drop out of graduate school, we sold one of our cars for cash, my wife couldn't find a job, and my job wasn't paying enough to survive. It was in this time that my wife taught me the art of eating poor. She in turn learned this fine art from her mom and her family; as poor Southern sharecroppers, this art was perfected over several generations. Surprisingly enough, you can eat pretty well on $20.00 a week if you juggle things just right. Hell, I've seen my wife feed 14 people for $4.00. I have yet to top that.

Since we are struggling to remedy our chronic financial woes, I've decided to take up the fine art of eating poor. Fortunately for me, we have a small stockpile of food we've horded over the last year or so. One of the tricks of eating poor is making do with what you have on hand.

To this end, I've spent the last couple of days digging through our kitchen trying to figure out what I have to work with. In addition to my neurotic need to bake, I have a complimentary need to horde flour. I have white flour, wheat flour, stone ground flour, corn flour (for tortillas), cake flour, and corn meal. Add two packets of yeast and some time and you have all the materials for a sourdough starter and several weeks of homemade bread, biscuits, corn bread, and tortillas. That can go a long way.

Unfortunately, not everything in our kitchen is so versatile. In fact, some items are a complete mystery to me. Not only do I not remember where they came from, I don't know why we even have them. Case and point, sorghum.
In my life time, I have never tasted, eaten, or cooked with sorghum. Until yesterday, I didn't even know what it was exactly. However, at some point lost in the haze of the past, I was so impressed with this mystical elixir that I bought (???) not one, but two jars of sorghum.




So, the question I am left with is what in the hell do I do with over two pints of sorghum?

Even my ever trusty William & Sonoma Kitchen Companion (a dictionary of all things kitchen related) failed me. According to Wikipedia it is used mostly in the South for baking, barbeque sauce, baked beans, syrup, and cakes. And, it is healthier than processed sweeteners since it won't dissolve your liver like high-fructose corn syrup. More interesting perhaps is that it is used to make a beer in Africa.

Today's Menu:

Breakfast - Half a pot of coffee (free).
Lunch - Two Pop Tarts ($ 0.65).
Dinner - Homemade refried beans (black), homemade salsa verde (tomatillos, onions, Serrano peppers), and corn tortillas (roughly $2.00).

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