Congratulations!

For those of you who may not have heard, one of our own is now Mayor-elect of Dayton, Ohio. Congratulations Gary and good luck!

A Visitor

Yesterday afternoon, I was in the living room when I heard something rustling under the windows. I looked out an saw the tail of something passing by below. I went to Gideon's room and looked out the front window and saw this.

As far as wildlife goes, I'm general a live and let live kind of guy, but coyotes wandering through our yard during the middle of the afternoon gives me pause. Coyotes usually don't attack people, but when they do, they generally attack children. Since I have a five year old and I know there are packs of coyotes in the area, this worries me. Not that I didn't already have reason enough but this gives me yet another to have the yard bush hogged. Soon.

Feeding the Whirlwind - Wicked Fugling Freak Bestiary and More

Hello all. As you may have guessed from the flurry of posts here, there is a lot going on now. As is often the case, much of what we're doing requires money. After years of feeding the Devil Queen pretty much everything we have, our money tree is looking pretty sad. So, since I'm all I have, here it is: if you would like to buy my art, make me an offer.

First of all, I am still selling Home Improvement Monkey Tees shirts ($20.00 each). Tell me what size you'd like and it's yours. If you want a shirt in something besides gray or white, let me know. Blue? Green? Magenta? If I can find it, it's yours. Next week I should be rolling out the 3.0 Home Improvement Monkeys. Evil never looked better.


Second, I'm selling some of what I call "Devil Queen Art." Over the years, any number of illustrations have appeared here. If you want them, you've got them. If you want an ode of doom and destruction emblazoned upon the reverse in blood, you'll have to pay extra. Most of these are in pen & ink and watercolor. Some are more modest. If you need more details, please let me know.


$50.00

SOLD

$50.00

$35.00

$15.00

Third, if you would like to commission a house portrait, I have room in my schedule for some. There would be about six week turn around for oil on canvas measuring between 18" x 24" to 24" x 30." If you are interested, please let me know.

Email me here if you are interested in any thing here. Thanks!

Nothing Says Home Sweet Home Like . . .

Nothing says "Home Sweet Home," like your Entergy Arkansas Nuclear One Emergency Manual.
The only perk to moving the Devil Queen 16 miles out of Russellville is that we're outside of emergency zones above.  Zone J is closest to us.  According to the instructions, we should proceed to Morrilton incase of an accident.  That would put us about 30 miles directly down wind from the reactor.  Does anyone besides me remember Chernobyl?  Do you think huddling 30 miles down wind was really all that safe?

Scarlet use to work with a girl who was a military brat with her family in Germany during Chernobyl.  She said they were ordered to stay indoors for weeks because of the radioactive fallout.  And they were hundreds of miles away from Chernobyl.  And, she still developed thyroid cancer when she was in her early 20's.  

My favorite line in this manual is, "radiation is naturally occurring . . . "  They omit the fact that it is naturally occurring in small amounts unless you live in a uranium mine.  I'd say that there is a pretty big difference between naturally occurring background radiation and nuclear reactor undergoing an emergency "situation."

Side Projects

Here is one on the projects that have been keeping me so busy this year. I am now offering limited edition prints of this painting, 100 prints total. The print image is 16" x 22." The prints are individually signed and number by me and are being sold for $75 a each. If you are interested, please email me here. I hope to have more details on these prints posted next week

Odd Finding

A couple of weeks ago, Kenny was out to give a quote for fixing the door. While we were talking, he asked, "So have you ever found any Indian stuff here?"

"Nope. Not a thing."

"Years ago, before all these houses were here, a friend of mine came up here to do some hunting. He said there was stuff all over the place up here."

"Really?"

"Yeah, this creek," Kenny said pointing to the creek behind our house, "is year-round. They were up here all the time. If you go down the creek a ways and past the waterfall, he said there were caves. He said the floors of them are covered in arrow heads, hatched, and spear tips."

"Wow."

"I asked him if caught anything when he got back, and he said, 'no.' I asked him if was gonna come up here again and he said, 'hell no, there Indian stuff all over, I ain't goin' near it,'" Kenny said.
We talked a bit more, but I never got a straight answer about it. The conclusion I came away with is that the Indian stuff is cursed or bad mojo, and no one with any sense would mess with it. A lot of the people in Pope County, particularly the long time residents (4+ generations) are at least a little Indian (Cherokee for the most part), which could have a lot to do with it. Something to think about, a cursed house on cursed land.

The 2008 Dumbass Award

Things have been a bit miserable around here lately: break-ins, a demon plague of blowflies, and a serious case of the flu. In an attempt to shrug off the oppression and misery, I thought that I'd post this year's Dumbass Award. For those of you not familiar with this fine, time-honored tradition, click here.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it's the dumbest thing anyone has done for the award. I'd argue that my mother-in-law nearly cutting her little toe off with the pressure washer was a probably a dumber thing to do, but it wasn't as wild of a story. If I've learned anything from the Dumbass Award, it's that bribery works and that the telling of the story is almost more important than the story itself

Anyhow, the 2008 Dumbass Award goes to Aunt Candy and her daughter Alicia for spending two days on the side of the road looking for an eye.

Of course there is a back story.

Candy's older daughter, Misty, was working at the Pancake House in Conway, Arkansas. As is typical for Misty's luck, the Pancake House was being robbed, and an irate young man was holding a gun to her head as he bagged all the cash he could find. The owner of the Pancake House, a friend of the family (distant enough that I don't know his name) heard that his restaurant was being robbed on the police scanner (some people listen to these for fun apparently).

Distraught, he jumped in his car a drove off to the Pancake House. This resulted in a traffic accident which was serious enough to eject his glass eye through the car windshield.

A little later, Candy and Alicia were at his bedside in the ICU. He was unconscious. Neither was aware that he had a glass eye or that it was missing. All they knew was that there was a huge, caved-in hollow in the middle of his face. Alicia stood looking over Candy's shoulder at their friend.

"Mamma. Mamma."

"What is it?" Candy said.

"Look," Alicia said.

"At what?"

"His eye. Mamma, where's his eye?

About this time, their friend woke up. He was very distraught to discover that his glass eye was missing, and they vowed that they'd find it for him.

They spent hours over the next two days wandering up and down the shoulder of the highway near the scene of the accident, looking for his eye. People, mistaking Candy and Alicia for stranded motorists, would stop and ask if they needed help.

"Yes, we need help. We're looking for an eye." Some drove off, but a surprising number of motorists stopped and helped them look for the eye, including an entire crew of electricians from a local power utility at one point.

Lamentably, no eye was ever found.

The only bit of drama came when Alicia found a small, rubber ball. "Momma! Look! The eye! I found it!" Then she threw it at Candy. Candy did the typical movie slow-motion scene: the sprint, the dive, and the accompanying "Nooooooooooo!!!!"

At the end of the story's telling on Thanksgiving, Candy said, "Really, though. Only this family has crazy stories about stuff like this! Does anyone outside us have stories about glass eyes?!"

Debbie, a cousin of my mother-in-law's and a parole officer, said, "Sure, it happens all the time. My friend X----- was at the Western Sizzlin, and this guy choked. Well, she has her certification, so she did the Heimlich on him. Saved him, but she sure popped that glass eye right out of his head."

What is even better, is that after telling the story to my Dad and sister over lunch, my Dad asks my sister, "So, do you have any glass eye stories?" I think he meant this rhetorically. My sister says, "Actually, one of Matt's aunts has a glass eye. She had cancer."

My Dad looked momentarily shocked, I just laughed.

Autumn and Competitive Freezing

Well, I haven't done much of anything on the Devil Queen, but that also includes not turning on our heat yet. Okay, Scarlet ran a space heater in the master bedroom, but does that count?

We've had some lovely autumn weather this last week. I've taken advantage of it and done some painting when I haven't been at work, Halloween parties, or voting.

If you're interested in buying this painting before November 11th, send me an email at thedevilqueen(AT)hotmail(DOT)com. Thanks!

Maybe It's the House?

The other day, I went to visit my sister at her house after work. This time of year, I have to drive directly into the setting sun, so I had my sunglasses on when I got there. My sister was out in the yard and gave me an odd look as approached her house. After I got out of the car, she said, "whoa, for a second there, I had no idea who you were. You looked like that sheriff, the Devil, in O Brother Were Art Thou?"

Nice. I guess I can see a semblance. I blame the Devil Queen. I think it's getting to me. Maybe it's time to move?

Exorcism of Winged Evil

Even the wicked need a home of their own.

The home improvement monkeys and their close cousin, the flying monkey, have taken on a life of their own. As with any other creature of evil intent and origin, they take over once you invite them in to your home. Since this is still ostensibly a houseblog, I thought I'd move them out before the totally dominated the Devil Queen.

Damn Cheap Monkeys

Not all monkeys are created equal. This are two misprints from a large order I'm working on now. I can't ship them for obvious reasons, but I need to do something with them. The shirts are new, size large, and in excellent shape. If you don't mind the misprinting, they are yours for $5.00 each which includes first class postage to you. Email me or leave a comment here if you are interested. Thanks!

More Monkey

For those of you who have bought Home Improvement Monkey Tee Shirts, they should begin shipping this week.  The first picture below is a special request version of the monkey, sans the nail-gun.  The bottom picture in the bigger, new and improved Home Improvement Monkey prototype.  Minus a couple of drips, this version is ready to go.  And, of course, the classic Home Improvement is still an option too.  Thanks for the patience.

Test Runs

Here are two test prints of the home improvement monkey design for the tee shirts. Version three is going to be the "final" print design for the first run.

If anyone out there is interested in these one of a kind proto-types, they are yours for $10.00 each. The size of the actual print is roughly 10" x 10."

Update: Version One is sold, so only Version Two is still for sale. Thanks!

Update: These monkeys are sold! Thanks!

I'm Not the Only One

There is a lot of love for flying monkeys out there. This photo is by a Spanish photographer named Joan Fontcuberta. This is apparently one of her best known photos. Go figure.

Pet My Monkey

Here is the Home Improvement Monkey silkscreen t-shirt design, 1.0. It still needs some work, but I think I ought to be ready to take orders by next week. Now, here is a question for you all: does the design need text (example: Home Improvement Monkey, etc) or should I go with the graphic only? Or, both? Any input is appreciated. Thanks.

Unintentional Spy Camera

This is what happens when a technologically challenged DIY'er encounters a cell phone with a camera.

The genius that I am, I just now figured out how to email photos on my cell phone to my computer. It only took me a year.

I was sending off all my pictures and deleting them to free up memory when I found this. From what I can tell, around 50% of my pictures are taken on accident. There were probable a dozen pictures of the inside of my pocket (totally black), ceilings, up my nose, and such on my phone. I think this picture was taken while I was clearing out the dining room to putty the floor last year. I think I picked the phone up to move it and *CLICK.* At least you can't see up my nose.

Millions of Peaches, Peaches for Me

After spending the last four years completely consumed with the house, the rest our life has been demanding some attention. Apparently, it was tired of being ignored. So I've had a lot on my mind lately, but not much of it has involved the house. Unless you count gardening, I haven't done anything besides the laundry and dishes. While tending the garden offers a Zen like satisfaction and the home grown tomatoes and peppers are wonderful, they don't make much of a post.

The search for new car is officially over because I can't afford anything that runs. Hell, I've even seen wrecked, non-running cars that I can't afford. The price of gasoline isn't the only thing going up these days. My solution to the car problem is having our old Saturn's engine and transmission replaced. While this is not cheap, it is cheaper than buying something used. If things go well, the rebuilt car ought to give me roughly two years of service before any major maintenance or repairs are required. This is based on putting roughly 40,000 a year on the car.

My father-in-law, the used car dealer, thinks this is a horrible idea since the car "is worn smooth fucking out." To my mind, if the engine and transmission have been replaced, that should pretty well take care of that, no? He suggested that I buy a 2001 Honda Civic with "some front-end and hail damage." Since the money we have from selling the VW wouldn't cover the purchase price for this fine automobile, he suggested that we charge the difference on our credit card. My only response to that is no fucking way.

No one else has expressed much enthusiasm for this solution besides Scarlet. The last time opinions aligned this way, we moved a house. That didn't turn out so great, but in spite of all the portents otherwise, I'm hoping for a better out come. Really, our finances don't offer any other options.

My little sister is putting our home improvement efforts to shame. She is on the verge of finishing all the remodeling and renovation work on her house in under a year. Of course a house is never really finished, but the only major work left is painting the living room, installing some baseboards and trim, painting and installing new cabinet doors in the kitchen, and the bathroom (needs sheetrock, paint, and to have the toilet and sink reinstalled since it was completely retiled). I did have the opportunity to shine as a Home Improvement Superhero, but that tale will have to wait to be told. Maybe next week?

Despite everything we've had going on lately, I've managed to fit in a lot of extracurricular reading. At least once a year, I go on a manic reading spree. Apparently, that time has come. I've knocked out Beauvoirs' The Mandarins and She Came to Stay, Camus' The Stranger, Hemingway's A Moveable Feast, and O'Brian's The Fortune of War. I started A Clockwork Orange this week, and I am thinking about rereading Conrad's The Heart of Darkness if I can find my copy of it. Some other possible future reads are more O'Brian, Andrew Green's The Story of A Marriage, Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises, Beauvoir's The Second Sex, The Lucifer Effect (forgot the author's name), and Pullman's His Dark Materials series. More possible re-reads are Orwell's Animal Farm and Selected Essays, and Machiavelli's The Prince. I don't know if I'll make it all of the way through that list, but if I do, does anyone any suggestions?

No major house related activates are planned for the weekend. I'm hoping we might go and pick some white peaches this weekend and gorge ourselves. Since last year's crop was destroyed by a freak freeze, it's been two years since we've had some fresh-picked goodness. I can't wait.

Evil Shrub: Official Plant of the Devil Queen

I stumbled across this the other night. Who knew the Devil Queen had a plant species named after it?

Here is the plant's basic information from the USDA:

"Phaulothamnus spinescens A. Gray
Common names: Devilqueen, Snake-eyes
Phytolaccaceae (Pokeweed Family)
USDA Symbol: PHSP2
USDA Native Status: Native to U.S.

Plant Characteristics
Duration: Perennial
Habit: Shrub Size Class: 6-12 ft. Breeding System: Dioecious Fruit Type: Drupe Fruit Color: White

Bloom Information
Bloom Time: Aug , Sep
Distribution
USA: TX Native Habitat: Thickets
Growing Conditions
Water Use: Medium Light Requirement: Part Shade Soil Moisture: Moist Soil Description: Sandy Sandy Loam Medium Loam Clay Loam Clay

Bibliography
Texas Wildscapes: Gardening for Wildlife (1999) Damude, N. & K.C. BenderSearch More Titles in Bibliography

Additional resources
USDA: Find Phaulothamnus spinescens in USDA PlantsFNA: Find Phaulothamnus spinescens in the Flora of North America (if available) Google: Search Google for Phaulothamnus spinescens
Metadata
Record Modified: 2007-01-01Research By: TWC Staff"

And, here are some pictures of it.


Look at the freaking thorns on that thing. They're huge! And, since it is from the poke weed family, you can bet that it is poisonous. As a thorny, poisonous weed that thrives in a hot, god-forsaken climate, I hereby name Phaulothamnus spinescens A. Gray (aka devilqueen) the official plant of the Devil Queen.

Now all we need is an official song and flag and we'll be well on our way to being a semi-autonomous kingdom of misery and woe. I wonder if we could transplant some of it here at the Devil Queen's homestead? The yard looks so bad that I'm sure one more thorny, invasive weed wouldn’t be noticed.

Exhibit #1 - Idiot Glove of Doom (Part One)

An artifact from my home improvement past.

Crazy - And Too Tired To Tell

The last two weeks have been crazy busy: renters, repairing rentals, car repairs, and more.

I'll give the full update later. I'm hoping for semi-blissful Memorial Day weekend to recharge first. If anyone has a pre-1994 VW Fox, Cabrio, Beetle, or Rabbit in running condition for sale within a 8 hour drive of Russellville, please let me know. Thanks.

Have a great weekend.