The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Home Improvement Erectile Dysfunction

I just read an article about centenarians on the CNN website. The article says,

Centenarians are a diverse group, according to Perls. Some are teetotalers. Others manage to reach extreme old age despite heavy drinking and smoking, deadly behaviors for most people. One feature common to most centenarians is that stress doesn't bother them.

"They seem to be able to shed stress. It doesn't get to them and cause them to age more quickly. They don't internalize stuff," Perls said."

If this is true, I’m going to be dead at 34.

This week has been particularly annoying. The car was in the shop Tuesday, and we’ve been buried in a never-ending stream petty chores and errands. As my wife so elegantly put it, “it’s just a bunch to stupid, pointless shit.” And, she’s right. None of it is anything that matters to us, it’s all shit that just needs to be done.

It’s depressing spending all of your free-time running around doing things like going to Walmart after work to buy a trash can (our new trash service doesn’t provide one). That was quite an experience. Between that and an exceptionally bad commute, I can safely say I believe eugenics is good thing.

As I understand it, this endless stream of busy-work is a typical part of adult life. Normal, well-adjusted people tell me this. I have to assume that it is true; however, if it is, it doesn’t explain why most college graduates don’t hang themselves after graduation.

To make things even worse, I seem to be suffering from a mild case of home improvement erectile dysfunction. Every morning I wake up and think, “I’m going to come home tonight and finish scraping the old paint off the laundry room ceiling.” When I finally make it home in the evening, I’m still psyched. But, once I’ve changed into my work clothes and had something to eat, my energy starts to ebb. I think, “I’ll put on some coffee and get to work.” The coffee gets made, but I somehow end up sitting on a lawn-chair in the living room watching A History of Violence with my wife; it wasn’t a bad movie, but I don’t get the wife’s reaction to her husband. Neither did my wife. Maybe we’re just sociopaths? In any case, nothing gets done.

Devil Queen, my dark mistress, I’m sorry. I just can’t get it up for you anymore; there is nothing wrong with you, I’m still beholden to your dark allure. My heart is willing but I can’t make my body work anymore.

I wonder if they have a pill for that.

Maybe I can over come it this weekend with sheer will-power alone. My hopes are not high at the moment. Even house porn isn’t getting me in the mood.

Why can’t I be more like Greg? The man is relentless.


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