Home Improvement Hangover

Feeling this bad without booze is a sin. I was up until 12:30 AM trying to meet my self-imposed floor-prep deadline for the dining room and getting everything ready for the plumber.

Behold, photographic evidence that I am not a wretched, worthless DIY slacker. Well, not last night at anyrate. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to resurrect myself with coffee and aspirin.

Odious Stench

I didn’t get started on the floor until late, so I didn't make as much progress as I wanted. I figure I made it about a 1/6th of the way through in about an hour. So, with some basic math, that leaves me with at least 5 more hours to go. However, it'll probably take longer since I'll have to move furniture and patch some holes once I make it to the other side of the dining room.

Here is my procedure:

1) Loosen the dirt, filth, and gunk packed between the floor boards with a putty knife.
2) Vacuum up the aforementioned filth.
3) Putty like hell making sure to push the putty as far down into the cracks as possible. Ideally, you don't want any voids as this may lead to cracking later. Scrape off as much of the excess as (reasonably) possible. It'll save you time on the sanding segment of this project.
4) Repeat until completed. Once completed, start sanding.

Some other tips:

1) Wear a respirator. Depending on what wood putty you are using (don't use Elmer's, it's complete ass), you may not need one. However, the putty we use (sands and stains better than all the other shit we've tried) reeks. It's truly awful. There is no loopy high you get with the stain or poly, this shit is nasty. Despite the fact that is was in the mid 40's last night, I turn off the heat, opened the windows and set up several fans to ventilate. Yes, it was that bad.
2) Wear gloves. It won't kill you (well, hopefully not) if you get it on your hands, but it is unpleasant.
3) This is a task best done when no one is home. Send the family out or give then respirators.
4) If semi-dry putty begins to accumulate on your putty knife, resist the urge to scrape the blade clean on the lip of the putty tin. It'll crust up and fall into the fresh putty contaminating it. Use a rag or virtually anything else for cleaning the blade.

The dining room seems to be going much faster than the laundry room floor. Since I'm not planning to hand scrape the dining room floor (God help me, not again), I'm not spending as much time scraping off every bit of excess. That's what drum sanders are for.

My goal is to have the whole floor puttied by Thursday night. If it weren't for Halloween and a birthday party, I'd say it was a done deal. In any case wish me luck.

You Might Ask Yourself . . .

You might ask yourself, what does a thirty-one year old man do when he is home alone night after night?
They take illicit pictures of a hardwood floor. Actually, this is old pine which would technically make it soft wood. I know, what a gripping life I lead.

Anyhow, this is our dining room floor. We're planning to spend the weekend prepping it for a good, messy refinishing.

When we acquired the Devil Queen this floor was buried under a layer of thin plywood "sub-flooring" and a some fugly laminate floor tiles. Apparently, before this atrocity was committed, someone tried to refinish the floor. They never made it past the sanding. Judging from the floor's current condition, halfway through the process they decided that the horror was too much to bear, snarled a final "O, fuck it," and threw themselves, their tortured soul and the sander out the window to the hard, forsaken ground four feet below.

Bloody and bruised yet free of their terrible burden, they staggered inside and called the first disreputable contractor they could find. "Hello, it's an emergency. I need the ugliest green floor tiles you've got, and I need them now. And, while you're at it, do you have any fugly green shag carpet to match? If so, I'd like that in the living room and hallway. Can you start today? Great. I don't suppose - hypothetically speaking of course - that you know someone who could dispose of a drum-sander, discreetly of course"

Not that you can tell, but this picture is supposed to show you how much some of these floor boards are cupping. The middle of this board is at least 1/8 of an inch lower than the sides. The flash washed it out, but you can really tell where the board runs under this threshold.

The blue tape marks where holes have been drilled through the floor. Gary, thanks again for the sack of plugs.

So, thirty or forty years later, here I am picking up where a weaker, lazier (perhaps smarter) man left off. Let the blood sport begin.

Hard Row to Hoe

Here is a section of the floor I've finished scraping.

Here is the only unfinished section. It is probably 4-5 square feet.

And here is the view of the transition from scraped to un-scraped.

For those of you who might be interested in the process and how-to, I'll try to have a post up on that in the next two days or so.

Paranoidal Floor Crawler

Filthy, floor crawling, frantically scraping away varnish, wood putty, and gouges I toil, mind driving in erratic loops. Scrape, scrape, scrape, sharpen with singing file, repeat, repeat, repeat. Man as relentless machine. Mind wanders far, seizes a thought and flips it like a shining silver coin.

Again and again the phrase repeats, "Steve wants us to do this! You know hand scraped floors are very in now. Sigh."

I shake it off and dine with my paranoid menagerie. "I love this iPod Shuffle, four hours of music in a match book. But, would I hear them? Pernicous intruders, stalking me, drawn by the steady song of blade on board, takinging up the large scraper and driving it down into my skull. Would the stain come out of the grain? Poor floor."

Stupid thoughts, but still I turn to face the doorway side wise as I work. No good ever came from sitting with your back to a door.

Such beautiful blonde and amber wood grain.

Later in the evening tide. Prone and submerged in steaming bath, Gatsby perched tub's lip, I regard the purple and madder blooms, my knees a full flush of tender petals. Tired but satisfied, I calculate, one more hour of scraping, and hour sanding with 150 or 220 grit, vacuum, tack cloth, and finally stain. So much time and work for such a tiny space.

Again, insistent, "Steve wants us to do this! You know hand scraped floors are very in now. Sigh."

WHY! Why would someone do want to do this to themselves!? Poor Jocelyn, tell him no! Say it! Save your back, your hands, your knees!

Again, why? I must know.

A thousand web-spiders are sent crawling and a small few return with answers.

"Hand-scraped and Distressed hardwood floors are becoming a popular choice in today’s upscale homes and commercial buildings. These floors are a newer trend but are rooted in history. Before today’s modern sanding methods, floors were hand scraped on site to make the floors flat. Today’s hand scraping is done to add texture, richness and uniqueness."

And,

"Not all flooring is smooth – texture is popular.

"Hardwood flooring does not have to be smooth. Many companies are offering hand scraped, distressed and reclaimed flooring. These floors have a classic look and add great value to upscale homes. They do not show much wear or scratches since they have a great deal of character interest to draw attention to different parts of the floor. These floors will be a guaranteed conversation piece with your friends and neighbors and are often the focal point at luxury home tours."

Unbidden this image rises.

"Guaranteed conversation piece," indeed.

"Go, look at the floor, and, while you're up, please hand me the walker. Oh you are such a dear, thank you so much. My knees have never been the same."

Are beauty and suffering forever twined?

Poor Bastards

I have now joined the ranks with these poor bastards.

[Caillebotte, Gustave Les raboteurs de parquet (The Floor-Scrapers)1875; Oil on canvas, 102 x 146.5 cm (40 x 57 3/4"); Musee d'Orsay, Paris]

It seems that back when I was sanding and refinishing some of our floors one of you (Angus?) mentioned that you'd sanded all your floors by hand. What you didn't mention (or maybe you did and I've forgot) was what a never ending visit in hell this is.

After nearly six hours of sanding and scraping (razor sharp paint scrapers in case you're wondering), I still have roughly three hours more before I can stain the hoary bitch.

I did learn one little tip from this painting though. Note one small detail on the far right of the painting, a bottle of wine. In case you're wondering, beer works too. Everything is better with beer, except turbulence.