The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Such a lovely day, my bile is already on the rise. It’s already in the upper 70’s and the sun is hardly up. The humidity is at 70% too, a nice touch. Doing nothing more than sitting perfectly still outside is enough to make you sweat.

The weather isn’t the only thing on my shit list today. Tim, the grumpy insulation contractor, is slowly working his way onto my “People to Be Vivisectioned” list. He was supposed to start June 27th but didn’t show until the 30th. He worked two days last week. He has yet to show this week. I called him Monday to see when he’d finish. He promised that he’d, “be out early Tuesday to finish the job.” As you may have guessed, he was a no show.

So, we’ve started looking for a new insulation contractor. If Tim is lucky, he’ll miraculously show today and finish. Otherwise he’ll be out of a job and he’ll have to haggle with my wife for whatever his half finished job is worth. The last guy who did that left with a bloody nub, but, then again, he probably stole all of our tools too. So, who won that little exchange?

If I wasn’t such an ineffectual, passive-aggressive pencil-pusher, I’d go all Deadwood on his ass. You know, run him down in the street and gouge his eye out or something. Or, I could just call him up and call him a cocksucker (speaking of which, why does HBO even bother to call the show Deadwood? Based on the one whole episode I’ve seen, the whole dialogue seems to be proper nouns and pronouns mixed with the word cocksucker. It seems like they ought to just call the show Cocksucker, but who’d watch a show called that?), but the chances of that are pretty slim.

Also, the folks I bought my kitchen sink faucet are on The List. With the exception of these folks, I’ve had good luck with all the items I’ve bought on eBay for the Devil Queen. I sent them a money order nearly three weeks ago. They claimed that they didn’t receive the payment until the 5th of July. Now, knowing the post office, this is plausible. However, since they are shipping it via UPS 2nd Day delivery, it should already be here. Aside from putting the final coat of polyurethane on the kitchen floor, this is the last major project for the kitchen. Without the faucet, I can’t mount the sink, plumb the drain, or install the dishwasher.

I could ramble on with my never-ending shit list, but most of it falls into the “Who gives a shit, are you twelve? Grow up!” category. However, in my defense, I would like to point out that I have the mental functioning of a twelve year old.

Anyhow, I’m getting ahead of myself now. My wife and I took off all of last week. We divided our time into two distinct categories: working like slaves on the Devil Queen and indulging in Dionysian orgy of excess that would make Nero proud. What is the point of working hard if you don’t get to party hard too?

[“Ball eis Korakas” is from Classical Greek. Literally it means “go to the crows” which is taken to mean “Go to Hell.” See, that year of High School Greek finally paid off]


Blogger Archimedes24 said...

Dude! Good to see you're back!

I have to take up arms against your Deadwood bashing. My in-laws bought me Season 1 for x-mas last year. Red and I have watched them a sum total of no less than 3 times. We even sold a kidney to buy season 2 down here in Oz. There's a bonus DVD in season 1 that talks all about the "language" choices.

And don't discount the fact that everyone at that particular point in time in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, was indeed, a Cocksucker.

In any case, Al Swearingen certainly was.

I wish I had an Al I could ring up any time I wanted to abuse someone. Think how much you'd be willing to pay him to tear your insulation contractor up one side and down the other? Course...that may be a particular joy of your missus. I won't go there.

Okay, gotta read the rest of your updates.

9:50 PM  

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