Home Improvement Zombies

We had a surprisingly good weekend. Did we work much on the Devil Queen? Of course not! Maybe that is why the weekend was so nice? But, as Monday succinctly proved, our bon vivant existence could not last. Now, we’re looking down the long, black barrel of the week. The weekend seems so far away.

Since we’re too tired, too demoralized, and too busy to work on the Queen, we’ve given up on all pretense of being good, God-fearing folk. Between the decadent three hour dinners and the next bottle of wine, we’ve managed to work in enough time to raise a few zombies from the grave and set them to work on the Devil Queen. Sure, it sounds like a lot of work, but it’s surprising how much easier raising the dead is than scraping paint or refinishing a floor. To be honest, I don’t know why more people are not doing it. And, the whole flesh/brain eating thing is pure bullshit, just one more urban legend.

Besides, zombies are very low maintenance. If you take proper care of them (keep them dry and store in a cool dark place), they’ll easily last until their arms fall off. The “stench of an open grave” thing is a myth too. Sure they have an “earthy” odor, but it’s not too bad if you rub them with vanilla or a nice cocoa scented body lotion every couple of days. Remember, a well cared for zombie is a happy zombie.

The only complication with this plan is my wife’s zombie phobia. Since she’s been working such ungodly hours at the newspaper the last few weeks, I’ve been able to work the zombies for few extra hours a day, but I haven’t had much luck getting her out of the house on the weekends. I’ve had to make up some pretty lame excuses for the sudden progress being made on the Queen. I’m not sure what it says about my wife that she is okay with flying monkeys working on the house. Nothing is ever easy and it seldom makes sense even when it does work. I mean, what kind of marriage do you have if you are reduced to sneaking around behind your partner's back? It is just sad what this damn house has reduced us to.