The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Home Improvement Zombies

We had a surprisingly good weekend. Did we work much on the Devil Queen? Of course not! Maybe that is why the weekend was so nice? But, as Monday succinctly proved, our bon vivant existence could not last. Now, we’re looking down the long, black barrel of the week. The weekend seems so far away.

Since we’re too tired, too demoralized, and too busy to work on the Queen, we’ve given up on all pretense of being good, God-fearing folk. Between the decadent three hour dinners and the next bottle of wine, we’ve managed to work in enough time to raise a few zombies from the grave and set them to work on the Devil Queen. Sure, it sounds like a lot of work, but it’s surprising how much easier raising the dead is than scraping paint or refinishing a floor. To be honest, I don’t know why more people are not doing it. And, the whole flesh/brain eating thing is pure bullshit, just one more urban legend.

Besides, zombies are very low maintenance. If you take proper care of them (keep them dry and store in a cool dark place), they’ll easily last until their arms fall off. The “stench of an open grave” thing is a myth too. Sure they have an “earthy” odor, but it’s not too bad if you rub them with vanilla or a nice cocoa scented body lotion every couple of days. Remember, a well cared for zombie is a happy zombie.

The only complication with this plan is my wife’s zombie phobia. Since she’s been working such ungodly hours at the newspaper the last few weeks, I’ve been able to work the zombies for few extra hours a day, but I haven’t had much luck getting her out of the house on the weekends. I’ve had to make up some pretty lame excuses for the sudden progress being made on the Queen. I’m not sure what it says about my wife that she is okay with flying monkeys working on the house. Nothing is ever easy and it seldom makes sense even when it does work. I mean, what kind of marriage do you have if you are reduced to sneaking around behind your partner's back? It is just sad what this damn house has reduced us to.


Blogger John said...

In case you can't read the subtext on the pic, "Why do it yourself if the dead will do it for you?"

Sorry for the SNAFU.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Now where do I find some zombies to work on my house?

2:21 PM  
Blogger SmilingJudy said...


5:01 PM  
Anonymous Rat-Boy said...

kristin, you mail order them. They come 6 to a box.

Like bon-bons.

(Cast A Deadly Spell was such an underated movie)

5:11 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Can somebody post a link to the mailorder company? Do they offer rush delivery? I need some ASAP.


8:49 AM  
Blogger Jocelyn said...

HA. When I read the caption I thought, "now that's a subject I can relate to- we feel like zombies plenty of times."

2:31 PM  
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