A Good, Old Fashioned Disaster

See, when things go wrong, it is you housebloggers that I think about. A couple weeks back, we had a nasty cold snap. It was below 25 degrees for about a week here in Arkansas. My renter was good and left the faucets dripping, but when it's that cold and the house doesn't have real insulation, it just isn't enough sometimes. Oh, and the renter wasn't home when this happened.

They discovered it when the neighbors called because they were concerned about the lake in the yard.


Note, the builders of this gem of a house decked the floors with chip-board. On the upside, this probably saved the whole house from flooding. Once the floors in the bedrooms were ruined, the water drained straight through it and into the crawlspace.

Some of the tear out heaped in the carport.



Condensation on the ceiling from all that lovely moisture.

Oh, and did I mention that our insurance doesn't cover this kind of damage. Driving rain? Fire? Tornado? Yes. Burst pipe in the bathroom? No.

So, this is all out of pocket (and being documented for a monster tax write-off next year). So far, all new plumbing, new bathtub, new sub-floors (approximately 400-500 square feet), new carpet, new vinyl, new drywall, three new doors, and . . . counting.

On the upside, this should all be finished next week because I hired the whole bleeding mess out. See! I learned something!

But plumbing is still the Devil.

Let's talk crap

You house people might find this article interesting. I'd never given the whole water vs. paper culture much though. In fact, I didn't know it was an issue until I read this. While there seem to be many compelling arguments for a bidet, they sure are pricy. The cheapest ones cost four to five times more than the toilets we bought for the Devil Queen.

Another 10 Minute Project Completed in Just 1 1/2 Years

So, we return to the Pee-Wee Playhouse Bathroom/Laundry Room for yet another living-dead project. It's been so long that I can't actually remember when this project officially went on my Sisyphean to-do list. It's been at least a year and a half ago. Maybe more.

This particular project was ridiculously easy. Between the edge of the tile around the hot-tub and the wood trim (a bull-nose of sorts I suppose) there was a crack of variable size. It went from non-existent up to a quarter of an inch in one place. For those of you who might not have mastered home improvement arithmetic, the simplified equation for this problem is: chronic moisture + crack + wood = rot (which is bad; in any equation rot and bad are interchangeable).


The solution to this problem is very simple. Take a few dollars to Lowe's and buy a tube of waterproof kitchen/bath caulk, read the directions, vacuum debris out of the crack, mask off edges of the crack with masking-tape, apply caulk, smooth caulk, remove tape immediately, and let it dry for 24 hours or more. See, that was hardly rocket science.

And, here is a crappy picture of the finished product. Apparently I'm too brain damaged at this late stage in the game to use the zoom-in button on my camera. If you can't tell from the picture, it looks a lot better. Really. And, it only took less than two years to complete this project.

Progress = Demonic Possession

I need an exorcist. I worked on the Devil Queen two nights this week. Demonic possession is the only explanation I can offer.

Last night, I ventured into our much blighted master bathroom. The carnage was swept up, I fought a monstrous brown recluse to a draw (it escaped into a hole minus a few legs, I'll be looking for it again tonight), and I caulked the crack to wasp heaven shut.

Wednesday night, the work was more substantive. Here was the situation when I started.


That's right. It's a lovely, refurbished rim lock without a catch. Once upon a time just before our appraisal, I had a lock-catch picked out for this door. I don't know what happened after that. I suspect that I ran out of time and the lock-catch got used for one of the other doors in the house.

Ideally, the catch ought to be the same size as the rim lock. Unfortunately, all the catches I have left are for smaller sized rim-locks. This left me with two options: 1) go to some junk shops to find a matching lock-catch or 2) just us what I have and hope that no one really notices. Besides, since the lock-catch is smaller than it ought to be, I can always substitute a better matching lock-catch at a later date if the little one bugs me.

Since most people have no idea what a rim-lock is or what one should look like, I felt like option #2 sounded pretty good. And, I'm really tired of waiting on shit. If I'm in the mood to do something, I better do it. If I wait for the stars to be right, it will never happen.

After rummaging through my collection of lock-catches and selecting one, I proceeded to strip all the old paint and mystery gunk using the boiling method (see this post for details if you are interested). Then I shellacked the lock-catch to match the refurbished rim lock.

Since the lock-catch is around 3/4 of an inch shorter than the rim lock, I centered the lock-catch on the rim lock's door latch and dead bolt. Once I was satisfied with it's placement, I penciled the lock-catch's profile onto the door jamb. Then, I used one of my favorite hand tools, a chisel, to cut out the lock-catch's nook. Remember, the key to using a chisel is making sure that it is sharp. If it isn't, you might as well ought to use a flat-head screwdriver because the finished product will be about the same.

Here is the cut-out after about 10-15 minutes of slow, patient chiseling.

And, here is the finished product. It's isn't a perfect installation, but it is pretty close. I accidentally made the cut-out about 1/16 of an inch too deep. This means that you have to give the door a firm push to get the latch to catch all of the way. And, I had to shift the lock-catch to the left about an 1/8 of an inch too. This leaves a gap between the right side of the lock-catch and the door trim.

The flash makes the photo look much worse than it actually is. It isn't really noticeable in person. The gap's shadow blends with the hardware's dark finish, so it is hidden in plain-sight. Only a truly anal DIY'er or Virgo would notice.

The Room of Unspeakable Pleasures

This looks innocuous enough, no? A fully functional toilet (the third and final one for the Devil Queen) and sink in our laundry room/third bathroom.


And here is the tub, our wicked, sinful tub.

Kristin, I blame you. Ever since I read this post of yours, I can never look at this plumbing fixture the same again.

You've shattered my innocence. I feel like the guy who walks in on the long-haired hippie licking the LSD off Hunter S. Thompson's red flannel shirt in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

"With a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men in red woolen shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know."

Thanks to you, my slide into utter depravity has begun already. Before too long, all that will be left for me will be rum, sodomy, and the lash.

The Zombie Files (Part 2)

Behold, the marvel and wonder of zombies at work.

It's amazing how much better the tub looks with the walls painted.

Now, for their encore performance, the ceiling. A lesson we learned the hard way: no matter how much you think you need to hurry, always scrape down salvaged wood before you install it, particularly if it is going to be a 16 foot high cathedral ceiling.