The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

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Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Maintaining a Positive Attitude

I can’t think of a more rewarding way to build character: scraping paint, pulling nails, sanding floors, plumbing drains, glazing windows, and hauling off tons of construction debris. It makes me smarter, stronger, and tougher. This is what I want to spend my entire adult life doing. If I die striping paint, I will die a happy, fulfilled man.

Fuck it, who I am kidding? I’m tired of this shit.

What I really want is a horde of willing, skilled laborers to descend up the Devil Queen like a biblical plague and finish her, every goddamned last bit for FREE. I’d love to give them a carte blanche, but my wife has some very definite preferences when it comes to design or paint color. Actually, I do too but I’ll put it all on her so I don’t look too demanding. No, to be honest, I’m the anal retentive ass-wipe in this relationship. So, I can’t give a carte blanche because I want it my way. See, isn’t honesty liberating?

Presumptuous? Of course it is. There has to be some unfettered egomania at work with some other serious, disturbing psychology issues when you believe that people should be honored to have the pleasure of working for you for free.

From time to time, housebloggers talk about house-fairies. I don’t believe in them (that’s right Tinkerbelle, I just killed your ass). That isn’t to say that I don’t believe in supernatural creatures with a penchant for finished carpentry; it just seems more probable that they are flying monkeys or Fomori. You know, some seriously wicked looking shit. Hell, there is even biblical precedence for this. What did Solomon build the temple with? Pixies? Nope, he used a horde of pissed-off demons.

Really, I know I can’t depend on supernatural intervention to clean up this mess. When reality rears its ugly head, I know that prison labor is all I can count on now. Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy to come by as it was in the good old days. I may have to write my state representative to see if he can hook me up or get some new enabling legislation passed for me.


Blogger amanda said...

Oh my God, John, I'm falling off my chair laughing. You are truly at your most hilarious when you're frustrated. Good luck getting through this rough patch. Look at where you were a year ago. At least you're in the house! Good luck! If you didn't live so far away, I'd trade labor with you.

11:35 AM  
Blogger Gary said...

You get what you pay for. Now would you like FREE advice or good advice?

8:18 PM  
Blogger John said...


Thanks. You couldn't me more right about where we were a year ago; my wife and I were talking about that over the weekend. Freaking amazing.

If only we still lived in Rockville. . .


Excellent point. I've learned some about that the hard way.

8:03 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

It's all about perspective! At least, that's what I tell myself in my still unfinished basement. At least we have walls. A year ago we had no walls. You used to live in Rockville?? You'll have to tell me about that sometime!

2:27 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Prison labor? Excellent idea!

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