The Devil Queen

How my wife and I sold our souls to the Queen Anne Victorian we tried to save.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Crow Mountain, Arkansas, United States

Synopsis: This is a cautionary tale. A seriously disturbed couple find the charming, old ruin of a Queen Anne Victorian in Russellville, Arkansas, and buy it for $1.00. They tore the roof off, cut it in half, and had it moved to some land they owned sixteen miles away because they didn't know any better. Since then, they have hired and fired contractors, had all of their tools stolen, re-wired, re-plumbed, insulated, and essentially rebuilt the entire house. Their only problem is that after four years it still isn't finished. Now they are tired, broke, and wonder what in the hell it is they've done to themselves. And, it's haunted.
(Last updated on April 3, 2008)

Press: Russellville Courier Article - December 2003, HGTV website article, AP story - October 2006, and Victorian Homes Magazine - February 2008 (link coming soon).
Art: From time to time, I receive requests for my art. If you would like to look at more of my art, go to The Failed Artist. If you would like to buy my art, email me. I am more than happy to answer any questions you might have. Thanks!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Maintaining a Positive Attitude

I can’t think of a more rewarding way to build character: scraping paint, pulling nails, sanding floors, plumbing drains, glazing windows, and hauling off tons of construction debris. It makes me smarter, stronger, and tougher. This is what I want to spend my entire adult life doing. If I die striping paint, I will die a happy, fulfilled man.

Fuck it, who I am kidding? I’m tired of this shit.

What I really want is a horde of willing, skilled laborers to descend up the Devil Queen like a biblical plague and finish her, every goddamned last bit for FREE. I’d love to give them a carte blanche, but my wife has some very definite preferences when it comes to design or paint color. Actually, I do too but I’ll put it all on her so I don’t look too demanding. No, to be honest, I’m the anal retentive ass-wipe in this relationship. So, I can’t give a carte blanche because I want it my way. See, isn’t honesty liberating?

Presumptuous? Of course it is. There has to be some unfettered egomania at work with some other serious, disturbing psychology issues when you believe that people should be honored to have the pleasure of working for you for free.

From time to time, housebloggers talk about house-fairies. I don’t believe in them (that’s right Tinkerbelle, I just killed your ass). That isn’t to say that I don’t believe in supernatural creatures with a penchant for finished carpentry; it just seems more probable that they are flying monkeys or Fomori. You know, some seriously wicked looking shit. Hell, there is even biblical precedence for this. What did Solomon build the temple with? Pixies? Nope, he used a horde of pissed-off demons.

Really, I know I can’t depend on supernatural intervention to clean up this mess. When reality rears its ugly head, I know that prison labor is all I can count on now. Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy to come by as it was in the good old days. I may have to write my state representative to see if he can hook me up or get some new enabling legislation passed for me.

9 Comments:

Blogger amanda said...

Oh my God, John, I'm falling off my chair laughing. You are truly at your most hilarious when you're frustrated. Good luck getting through this rough patch. Look at where you were a year ago. At least you're in the house! Good luck! If you didn't live so far away, I'd trade labor with you.

11:35 AM  
Blogger Gary said...

You get what you pay for. Now would you like FREE advice or good advice?

8:18 PM  
Blogger John said...

Amanda,

Thanks. You couldn't me more right about where we were a year ago; my wife and I were talking about that over the weekend. Freaking amazing.

If only we still lived in Rockville. . .

Gary,

Excellent point. I've learned some about that the hard way.

8:03 AM  
Blogger amanda said...

It's all about perspective! At least, that's what I tell myself in my still unfinished basement. At least we have walls. A year ago we had no walls. You used to live in Rockville?? You'll have to tell me about that sometime!

2:27 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Prison labor? Excellent idea!

2:47 PM  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

ninest123 10.14
burberry handbags, ray ban sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, replica watches, michael kors outlet, louis vuitton, uggs outlet, longchamp outlet, longchamp outlet, polo ralph lauren outlet online, michael kors outlet, uggs on sale, michael kors outlet online, oakley sunglasses wholesale, christian louboutin outlet, longchamp outlet, ugg boots, gucci handbags, uggs outlet, christian louboutin shoes, tory burch outlet, michael kors outlet online, prada handbags, tiffany and co, replica watches, louis vuitton outlet, burberry outlet, ray ban sunglasses, chanel handbags, louis vuitton outlet, louis vuitton outlet, nike air max, nike air max, oakley sunglasses, ugg boots, nike outlet, jordan shoes, oakley sunglasses, prada outlet, cheap oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton, christian louboutin, tiffany jewelry, oakley sunglasses, christian louboutin uk, michael kors outlet store, ray ban sunglasses, polo outlet

12:45 AM  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

nike free run, coach outlet, burberry pas cher, new balance, polo lacoste, ray ban uk, louboutin pas cher, timberland pas cher, vans pas cher, coach outlet store online, converse pas cher, north face uk, north face, michael kors, jordan pas cher, hogan outlet, true religion jeans, nike blazer pas cher, nike air force, nike air max uk, sac vanessa bruno, air max, nike roshe, coach purses, oakley pas cher, nike tn, true religion outlet, ray ban pas cher, abercrombie and fitch uk, hollister pas cher, sac longchamp pas cher, ralph lauren uk, michael kors pas cher, longchamp pas cher, nike roshe run uk, lululemon canada, nike free uk, michael kors outlet, coach outlet, true religion outlet, guess pas cher, nike air max uk, mulberry uk, nike air max, polo ralph lauren, kate spade, true religion outlet, sac hermes, hollister uk, michael kors

12:57 AM  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

p90x workout, ralph lauren, vans outlet, mont blanc pens, herve leger, soccer jerseys, hermes belt, north face outlet, babyliss, celine handbags, timberland boots, iphone 6 cases, nike air max, gucci, instyler, mac cosmetics, bottega veneta, mcm handbags, baseball bats, abercrombie and fitch, hollister, chi flat iron, louboutin, asics running shoes, wedding dresses, longchamp uk, vans, ghd hair, nike trainers uk, beats by dre, nfl jerseys, giuseppe zanotti outlet, lululemon, converse outlet, converse, nike air max, oakley, new balance shoes, ray ban, hollister, hollister clothing, nike roshe run, insanity workout, ferragamo shoes, valentino shoes, nike huaraches, north face outlet, reebok outlet, soccer shoes, jimmy choo outlet, nike free, kate spade outlet

12:57 AM  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

canada goose, thomas sabo, canada goose jackets, canada goose, louis vuitton, swarovski crystal, montre pas cher, louis vuitton, toms shoes, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, marc jacobs, wedding dresses, lancel, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, hollister, pandora jewelry, michael kors outlet, canada goose, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, supra shoes, doudoune moncler, pandora charms, moncler outlet, juicy couture outlet, moncler, moncler, canada goose uk, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, replica watches, links of london, doke gabbana, canada goose outlet, ugg pas cher, michael kors handbags, louis vuitton, moncler, michael kors outlet online, swarovski, barbour uk, juicy couture outlet, pandora uk, ugg, karen millen uk, ugg uk, pandora jewelry, coach outlet, moncler, moncler uk, canada goose outlet, barbour
ninest123 10.14

1:00 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Free Web Site Counter
Website Counter